Daria And Quinn
by WildDogJJ
Summary: Set ten years after the conclusion of "Quinn" this new series begins with Quinn being fed up with Lawndale so she and her family move to Long Island. Once there she and Daria have all manner of misadventures along with Jane, Stacy and a few other familiar faces.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note**

I've cancelled "Life After Thirty" on the grounds that it has degenerated into a cheesy "King Of The Hill" ripoff. Therefore, it is retconned out of my Dariaverse. Basically, think of canon "Daria" as "Dragon Ball", "Quinn" as "Dragon Ball Z", "Life After Thirty" as "Dragon Ball GT" and this new series as "Dragon Ball Super". Basically, this is a sequel to replace my first attempt at a sequel to "Quinn". "Life After Thirty" is to be burned and forgotten. Anywhoooo...

**Opening Montage**

**Music:** "You're Standing On My Neck"

First, we see Quinn and her husband, Jim, driving a moving van toward New York City. This is followed by a shot of the Carbones and Ruttheimers having a joyous reunion in front of a new house on Long Island. Next, we see Quinn and Daria walking in Central Park. Quinn throws some popcorn to some happy, hungry squirrels. Daria does the same thing, but the squirrels run from her as if she were a monster. Next, we see Jim and Chuck talking with some neighbors. Afterwards, we see Quinn and Stacy mingle at a party while Daria and Jane stand off to the side and make snarky comments. Next, we see Daria and Quinn on the beach at Coney island. A bunch of studly guys start chatting up Quinn. When a fight breaks out both Quinn and Daria look dismayed. This is followed by a shot of Quinn and Daria walking down the street. As someone is mugged in front of them Quinn is about to interfere until Daria dissuades her. Next, we see Quinn and Jim on a double date with Daria and a guy. The guy pays more attention to Quinn than Daria. This makes Jim visibly jealous. When a fight breaks out, both Daria and Quinn smirk that famous Mona Lisa smile. After this, we see a pink background with both Quinn and Daria's heads in a circle. Below them is the following caption...

**"Daria And Quinn"**

**in**

**"Time For A Change"**

**written by**

**WildDogJJ**

**Quinn and Jim's house in Lawndale, day...**

Quinn was in the kitchen taking some marangue's out of the oven. A tripod mounted camera was recording the whole action. After shutting off the oven, Quinn turned her attention to the camera.

"...and that's how you make the perfect lemon marangue's AND use the leftover batter as an exfoliant. Don't forget to like and subscribe. Next time, we'll learn how to make a fruit pie and use the rinds to eliminate eye bags on "S'mores 'n' Pores", cooking good and looking good. Bye!"

With that, Quinn shut off the camera. No sooner had she done that when the phone rang. Quinn answered.

"Hello?"

She smiled when she heard who it was.

"Oh, Hi, Stacy!"

Quinn was happy to hear from her old BFF. She and Stacy had remained close over the years. After Quinn and Jim got married Stacy's journalism career seemed to grow, along with her family. It went so well that a few years ago Stacy was offered a job at the flagship station in New York. As a result of taking the job Stacy moved with her husband and kids and now lived in a big two-story house on Long Island. Quinn was happy for her, and also a little jealous. While Stacy was living out her dream Quinn was stuck in Lawndale. Indeed, Quinn was growing lonely. True, she was happily married with kids and had a successful YouTube channel. It didn't change the fact that all her old friends and the rest of her family were gone. Her sister was in New York, her BFF was in New York, her parents were in Ft. Lauderdale (when they weren't traveling around the world) and her other friends had gradually lost touch and scattered to parts unknown. Sometimes, the only thing keeping Quinn together was the fact that her husband and kids were stuck in the same boat.

"How are you, Quinn?" Stacy asked from the other end of the line.

"Could be better," Quinn dryly replied. "My kids hate school, my husband hates our neighbors even more than I do and I miss everyone."

Stacy rolled her eyes. It was hardly the first time she'd had this conversation with Quinn.

"Why don't you move up here, Quinn?" Stacy suggested. "If you guys are so miserable in Lawndale then why not leave."

Quinn immediately fed Stacy the same tired old excuse.

"I can't. I have a life here. I'd have to transfer the kids to another school, Jim would have to pack up and leave. I can't uproot everyone else's life just because I'm sick of Lawndale."

"Quinn," said Stacy, "I happen to know that Jim and the boys have grown to dislike Lawndale just as much as you. I really don't think they'd have a problem leaving that place in the rearview mirror.".

Quinn countered "We'd have to find a new house and sell this one!".

"Just do what I did," said Stacy, "Put the house on the market and just leave. Let the realtor handle everything else. You could easily negotiate over the phone.".

"What about finding a new house?"

Stacy said "Quinn, Jane took us in while we went house hunting. Also, you're more than welcome to stay with us while you look for a place up here.".

"I don't wanna be a pain," said Quinn. "I'd rather ask that of family. Problem is, Daria's place is too small, Jim's mother is in Arizona, his father's an asshole and I don't want the kids near his uncle because Vito's the walking personification of a dirty old man."

Stacy sighed.

* * *

**Meanwhile, at Deuce Hardware...**

Quinn's husband, Jim, was at the checkout line with a new power drill. The clerk, a teenager who looked just like Kevin did at that age, recognized Jim.

"Hey, Mr. Carbone."

Jim sighed. Ultra Thompson was just as much of a moron as his father.

"Hey, Ultra." Jim placed the power drill on the counter.

Ultra's eyes lit up as he said "Whoa! A nail gun! Cool!".

Trying not to let his frustration show, Jim said "No, it's a power drill".

Ultra opened the box and took the power drill out. Leaving a mess on the counter Ultra next took the battery pack and attached it.

"You know," said Jim, "I don't think you're supposed to unpack an unsold item.".

Ultra said "Like, I'm a QB. I can do whatever I want."

Jim began to grit his teeth on reflex. Kevin was bad enough, but his son could drive even the most stable person to complete maddness.

Ultra pulled the trigger and watched the drill wheeze.

"Cool! How do you load it!?"

Rolling his eyes, Jim said "The drillheads are in the box. Now, before you hurt yourself or anyone else could you please put it back and ring me up.".

Ignoring Jim, Ultra reached into the box and got out the drill heads.

Visibly annoyed, Jim said "You aren't hearing a word I say right now, are you?".

Ultra confirmed this suspicion by attaching a drill head to the power drill. He then pulled the trigger again.

"Cool!"

Ultra pretended it was a gun.

"Like, stick 'em up!"

Running the power drill Ultra brought it up to the cash register and aimed.

"Gimmie all your money!" he said with a laugh.

"You finished?" asked Jim, who was rapidly losing his patience.

Ultra looked up. "You say something, Mr. C?"

Not paying attention, Ultra accidentally drilled into the monitor screen and recieved an electric shock.

"AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

He threw the power drill up into the air and when it came back down, narrowly missing Jim, it hit the floor so hard that it shattered into several pieces.

Once over the shock, Ultra flashed a goofy grin. "Sorry!"

Grinding his teeth in frustration, Jim could only think of one thing.

_I HATE THIS TOWN!_

* * *

**Times Square, evening...**

Amidst the light's and bustle was a small pub at the corner of 46th Street and Seventh Ave. Seated at a table inside the pub were Daria, Jane and Stacy. They were talking.

"...so when I ran into Stacy in the elevator I decided we could use a few drinks," said Daria.

Jane said "So that's why you called. Well, that and you knew I was probably bored.".

The trio would seem an unlikely group of friends at first glance. A staff writer who lives in Hells Kitchen, an artist who lives in SoHo and a TV news reporter who lives out on Long Island. After Stacy moved to New York with her family she discovered that she and Quinn's sister worked at the same TV station. While Stacy was an investigative journalist in the local newsroom Daria was a staff writer for SNL. Daria had also written a short lived animated sitcom about a misanthropic teenager for MTV. The two bonded over the fact that they both grew up in Lawndale, NJ and this soon resulted in Daria and Stacy being friends. Stacy wound up being Jane's friend by proxy. It amused her somewhat that the tow people she thought were creepy weirdos in high school were now among her closest friends.

"You know, Daria," said Stacy, "I spoke to your sister today.".

Daria asked "How is Quinn, by the way?".

Stacy said "Still complaining about being stuck in Lawndale".

Daria was not the least bit surprised. "Her kids don't like it either. In fact, last time they came up for a visit Teddy asked me to adopt him."

Both Jane and Stacy laughed.

Jane said "If you won't take him I will. I always welcome the opportunity to corrupt a fresh young mind.".

Stifling a giggle, Stacy said "You know, hearing you say that would've creeped me out ten years ago".

Jane said "You've come a long way, young padawan. Still, I don't get why Quinn stays in Lawndale if she's grown to hate it so much.".

Stacy said "I actually asked her that. She said she didn't wanna uproot Jim and the boys.".

Daria dryly remarked "Despite the fact that her kids don't like it either".

Without missing a beat, Jane said "And her husband hates it so much that he's in danger of becoming the next DeMartino.".

Daria looked thoughtful for a moment.

"I think the real reason Quinn stays in Lawndale is that she's afraid of change. She's worried that if she leaves she'll just encounter the same crap in a different place."

Stacy said "Maybe, but at least here she'd have people on her level who can help her deal. All she, Jim and the boys have in Lawndale are the Wangs and the Thompsons. The Thompsons are so dumb that it's wearing on everyones patients and the Wangs are stuck up jerks.".

"Now that you mention it," said Jane, "Chan is basically Lawndale's version of Kahn Soupanousahnphone.".

They all had a laugh over that one.

* * *

**Meanwhile, back in Lawndale...**

Quinn, Jim and their triplet sons Tommy, Timmy and Teddy, were at the kitchen table eating dinner and talking about their day.

Tommy, Timmy and Teddy were all in second grade. All three boys had the same reddish hair as their mother. While Tommy looked like he did in the 2017 EW article, Timmy was overweight and Teddy had thick-rimmed glasses similar to the ones Daria used to wear. Despite being triplets they all had individual personalities. Tommy was an active, outgoing boy who had inherited all of his mother's charisma. He had no trouble making friends with other boys and all the girls in their class had a crush on him. He was very intelligent but typically dumbed himself down in order to better fit in, just as his mother had at that age.

Timmy was a sensitive, curious boy. He loved to eat, hence his round build. He had some social graces, though nowhere near the people skills that both Tommy and his mother had. Timmy typically followed Tommy's lead and ran with the same social group.

Teddy, on the other hand, had neither the skills nor desire to make friends. Unlike his brothers Teddy didn't dumb himself down just to fit in. He was so much like his aunt, Daria, that Quinn sometimes caught herself wondering if she was actually Teddy's mother. Teddy's unwillingness to interact with others his age meant he typically spent recess reading on a bench and the weekends reading in his room. This resulted in Quinn and Jim frequently being called in by the school. Despite Quinn's frequent protests to the contrary the school was convinced that Teddy was a future mass shooter. Quinn knew this was not the case at all, but the school seemed to have deleuded themselves to thinking that this was just another case of a parent in denial.

"So," Quinn aksed, "How was everyone's day?".

Tommy said "The teacher called on me in class today".

"And...?" asked a genuinely interested Jim.

Quinn asked "Did you know the answer?".

"Yes," said Tommy, "But I gave a wrong one anyway.".

Quinn sighed as she recalled how she'd done the exact same thing all the way through her sophmore year of high school.

"Tommy," she said, "This is coming from years of experience. You really shouldn't pretend to be a moron just so the other kids will like you.".

Tommy responded to this the same way Quinn had when similarly lectured by Helen.

"But, Mom," he whined, "I don't want the other kids to hate me. I don't wanna be a weirdo loser like Teddy.".

"Tommy!" Jim scolded in an ominous tone.

Quinn said "Your brother's NOT a weirdo! He's an individual!" _And I wish I'd understood that when I was your age._

Not wanting the conversation to turn into an argument, Jim asked "How was your day, Timmy?".

Timmy said "I got a titty twister from Shane Sloan after he laughed at my weight.".

"I hope you told a teacher," said Quinn.

Timmy gasped "No way! Are you crazy, Mom!?".

Tommy said "It's bad enough I have to deal with Teddy being a brain. I'd never live down Timmy being a rat!".

Teddy said "Since I keep coming up, I had the usual day. I gave a right answer everytime the teacher called on me, all the other kids made fun of me for it and I spent recess alone reading on a bench. Except when other kids wanted to remind what a freak I am, that is."

Quinn sighed. "How was your day, Jim?"

Jim said "Well, first I dealt with the idiots at the hardware store. Then, I dealt with the idiots at the gas station. Then, I tried to make an unboxing video for my YouTube channel but Chan showed up to brag about his high powered job at Grace, Sloan and Paige and talk down to me as if I were some worthless peasant. So, the usual.".

Quinn sighed.

"I got a call from Stacy today."

Jim's face brightened. "I wonder how my old buddy Chuck's doing. I really miss having the Ruttheimer's around."

Quinn let out a sad sigh. After this, she appeared to be deep in thought as a quote from Stacy played over and over in her head.

_If you guys are so miserable in Lawndale then why not leave_

* * *

**The master bedroom, later...**

Quinn and Jim were in bed getting ready to call it a night.

"Jim?" said Quinn.

"Yes, babe?" replied Jim.

Quinn asked "How would you feel if we just packed up and left this all behind? You know, start over fresh?".

Curious, Jim asked "What brought this on?".

Quinn said "Jim, all of our friends have left Lawndale for someplace more interesting. The ones who are still here are people we can't stand. I'm miserable and I can tell that you and the boys are miserable too. What if we just left it all behind and start over in a place where we have friends and family?".

Jim thought about this for a second.

"Well, my brother and Lindy left for California after they got married. Last I heard they're doing pretty well out there. My mother loves Arizona and your parents like it in Florida. We have your sister, Jane and the Ruttheimers in New York. Granted, my father and Uncle Vito are there too, but we can avoid them without much trouble. Also, we're self employed internet personalities so we wouldn't have to worry about employment, just take our jobs with us. I don't think the kids will miss this town. Tommy can make friends anywhere and Timmy and Teddy wouldn't miss anyone. "

Jim thought for another second before smiling.

"Let's do it, Quinn!"

Quinn smiled like a kid on Christmas morning.

"Thanks, Jim. I feel really good about this!"

She kissed her husband on the cheek. Afterward, she picked her I-Phone up from the nightstand. She dialed a number.

"Hey, Daria...Listen, I know it's late but I was wondering if I could come up this weekend...House hunting...Yes, Jim and I talked it over and we've decided we don't wanna live in Lawndale anymore...Looking forward to it."

Quinn then hung up.

"Jim, we're moving to New York!"

Jim loved the sound of that.

* * *

**Act II**

**Daria's apartment, day...**

Daria lives on the second floor of a five story brick building on 48th Street between 9th and 10th Avenue. The apartment was a one bedroom with a small bathroon and combined kitchen and living room, coming out to a total of three rooms. It was all she needed since her only live in companion was a black and white cat named Godzilla. Daria and Quinn were seated on the couch watching TV. Godzilla was laying on Quinn's lap purring affectionately as Quinn stroked his back. On the TV was a man beating the shit out of Satan against a fire and brimstone background.

TV Announcer: "He died and came back...AFTER KICKING THE DEVIL'S ASS! I Escaped From Hell, next on Sick, Sad World!"

As the TV cut to a commercial, Daria said "Strangely appropriate given the reason for this sisterly visit.".

Quinn replied "So, as I was saying over the phone, Jim and I are done in Lawndale and wanna start over. I mean, yeah, I came back after college. Thing was, I did that because Dad needed someone to run his business while he recovered from his heart attack and stayed because I met Jim and Stacy came back as well. I also still had friends and family in Lawndale. Problem is I don't have that anymore. All of my friends have left, our parents have left and Jim's grown to hate that town even more than we do. I figured it's high time for a change.".

"I get it, Quinn," said Daria, "In fact, I seem to recall us moving to Lawndale because Mom and Dad felt the same way about Highland.".

Quinn said "So, ready to go, sis?".

Daria said "I take it you've already gotten in touch with a realtor".

Rolling her eyes, Quinn said "Duh, Daria. You think I'm gonna do something this big without planning it out before hand?".

"Just checking," Daria said. "Let's go. This episode of Sick, Sad World's a re-run anyway.".

With that, Quinn lifted Godzilla off her lap and placed him on the cushin next to her. She and Daria then made their way to the door. Daria looked at her cat.

"You know the rules, Godzilla. No wild parties while I'm gone."

Quinn stifled a giggle.

* * *

**A large office building in Lower Manhattan, later...**

Quinn and Daria were at a place called "Empire Realty". They were meeting with a realtor named Cathy Stefano. Cathy was a slim, attractive and cheery brunette in her late twenties with her hair poofed out in a manner that can only be achieved with a highly flammable combination of mousse and aqua net. This caused Quinn to have the following thought.

_1985 called. They want their hairstyle back._

Cathy said "It's nice to finally meet you in person, Mrs. Carbone." She then turned her attention to Daria. In a less than friendly tone she asked "And you are...?".

Rolling her eyes, Daria said "Daria Morgendorffer".

"Her assistant?"

Visibly offended, Daria said "Her sister. Although, you could just say I'm a distant cousin. That's how Quinn dealt with the embarrassment when we were kids.".

Quinn winced slightly. She still felt guilty about the whole cousin thing.

Turning her attention back to Quinn, Cathy said "Well, I've compiled a list of condos in the city. Unfortunately, only one of them is in your price range.".

* * *

**A run down building in a VERY bad part of town, later...**

Cathy was showing the place to Daria and Quinn. It was falling apart, the walls had bullet holes and there were rats and bugs everywhere.

"EWWW!" exclaimed Quinn.

Daria said "Why hasn't this place been condemned?".

Cathy just shrugged. At this point the sisters noticed something that only added to the discomfort. That something was chalk outlines on the floor. The floor itself was covered in dry blood stains.

"Um...Cathy..." asked a very nervous Quinn, "How exactly did this place wind up on the market?".

Cathy said "The previous owners were knifed to death by an intruder. That happens a lot in this neighborhood.".

Quinn looked at the wall behind the chalk outlines. What she saw made her gasp in horror. Whomever had killed the previous residents left the following message written in the victim's blood...

I'LL BE BACK!

Daria said "Let's try someplace else".

Cathy said "Sorry, but this is the only place within the price range I was given".

Finding her voice, Quinn said "I guess I can go higher".

* * *

**A luxury high rise building on the Upper West Side, later...**

Cathy was showing Daria and Quinn a beautiful condo with five bedrooms, three bathrooms, a large living room and kitchen with a breathtaking view of Central Park.

Impressed, Quinn said "Now this is what I'm talking about".

Smiling, Cathy said "Glad you like it, Mrs. Carbone". She eagerly thought about the fat comission she'd get for selling this one. _Summer in Europe, here I come!_

Quinn asked "And it has a parking garage? I ask because my husband's YouTube channel is a car channel.".

Cathy said "Of course. Not only that, but there's a full auto body shop just a block up the road. The guy who runs it would love to let your husband film there. He needs the free advertising.".

Quinn was totally in love with the place. "How about the schools?".

Cathy said "Public or private? I recommend the latter unless you want your boys falling in with a gang.".

"Minor detail," said a totally smitten Quinn, "I'm sold!".

"I'm not," said Daria. "What's this place cost?"

Cathy sighed as she realized she might not be getting that expensive vacation after all.

"Asking price is ten million." Desperate, she amended her statement with "But I'm sure we can haggle them down to eight million".

Quinn instantly soured on the place.

"Maybe a rental would be better."

* * *

**The Upper East Side, later...**

Cathy was showing Quinn and Daria another place. This place wasn't as nice as the one they were shown before but still good enough.

"Well," said Quinn, "I guess this means the boys will have to share a room".

Remembering the days of her and Quinn sharing a room as kids, Daria said "Say goodbye to a peaceful homelife, Quinn.".

Quinn turned to Cathy and asked "How much?".

Cathy said "Rent's five-thousand a month, plus another thousand for utilities. Also, you're looking at a ten-thousand dollar security deposit.".

Quinn's eyes went wide and her jaw dropped.

"Are you freaking kidding me!? The Sloan's mortgage is less than that and they live in a palatial mansion."

Frustrated, Cathy said "Quinn, what do you want from me?".

Quinn said "A decent place I don't have to be super rich to afford".

Pointing west, Cathy said "New Jersey's right over there".

Both Daria and Quinn frowned.

* * *

**Little Italy, a short time later...**

Daria and a very frustrated Quinn were eating pizza at an Italian eatery on Mulberry Street called "D'Angelo's".

Quinn asked "How is it that we can't find reasonably priced housing in one of the largest cities on the planet?".

Daria said "I ask myself that question every day".

Quinn said "You found a place".

Daria said "Quinn, I'm paid a quarter million a year to write jokes and all I can afford is a one-bedroom in Hell's Kitchen".

"What about Jane?" asked Quinn. "She has a spacious place in SoHo."

Daria remarked "She's also married to a tenured archaeologist who only makes as much as he does because he travels all the time".

Quinn said "How do people afford this town?".

"They don't," said Daria. "The overwhelming majority of New Yorkers don't live in the city. They commute from either New Jersey or Long Island."

Quinn got an idea.

"Let's talk to Stacy. Since moving to the actual city's out maybe she can give me a sense of what living close by is like."

* * *

**Liberty Island, later...**

While walking around the Statue of Liberty Daria, Quinn and Stacy were talking.

"I had to find out the hard way too." said Stacy.

Quinn asked "How long does it usually take you to get to the city?".

Stacy said "It's usually half an hour by car, except during rush hour. Then it takes about as long as driving back to Lawndale. Also, finding parking in Manhattan's a nightmare. That's why I usually take the train to and from work.".

Quinn said "So, unless it's rush hour about the same as going from Lawndale to Philly?"

Stacy nodded. "And the beach is a lot closer. Remember how long it took us to get from Lawndale to the shore?".

Quinn said "Usually an hour".

Stacy said "From Glenville to the ocean is only twenty minutes. Same amount to the sound. Trust me, it's a lot better to just live close enough to the city that you can easily commute. And, unlike back in Lawndale, you don't have to put a ton of planning into going someplace more interesting.".

Quinn said "So, I can still spend a lot of time with Daria and Jane even if I don't live in the city?".

Smiling, Stacy said "Of course. Chuck and I do it all the time. It's a bit late now, but how about tomorrow you come over to Glenville and I show you around.".

Hugging Stacy, Quinn said "You're a life saver!"

* * *

**Act III**

**The next morning...**

**Music:** "Trying To Get Out Of The City" by Ivy

Quinn's white Cadillac CTS Sedan was parked on 48th Street in front of the building that Daria lives in. Quinn and Daria emerged from the building and got in the car. As Quinn drove Daria gave directions from the passenger seat. They took 48th to 7th Ave. After turning right on 7th they actually passed through Times Square. That was slow going as even in the morning hours Times Square was full of pedestrian traffic. While Quinn was impressed Daria was her usual impassive self, mostly due to living only a few blocks away.

After Times Square they continued on until they reached 34th Street. Quinn was again impressed as this intersection was right by one of the most famous sport and concert venues in the world, Madison Square Garden. They turned left on 34th. After the first block they passed through Herald Square, aka Koreatown. A block later they were right by the entrance to the world famous Empire State Building. Another four blocks later was the entrance to the Queens-Midtown Tunnel. Quinn turned and entered the tunnel.

They emerged on the other side in Queens and were immediately at the toll booth that marks the beginning of the Long Island Expressway. As it was a Sunday ther ride through Queens was a smooth, fast one. As they continued east through the borough the scenery changed from urban to suburban. Soom, they passed by a sign that said "Leaving: Queens, Enter: Nassau County".

Over the next ten minutes the scenery grew increasingly suburban. Ten minutes after leaving Queens Quinn and Daria passed by a sign that read "Glenville, Next Exit". Quinn took the exit and turned right. Almost immediately after turning they passed a sign that read "Village of Glenville, Eichler Bay Township". After this they drove passed a sprawling shopping center called "Main Street Mall".

Soon, Quinn and Daria were passing through a residential neighborhood. Most of the houses were two story buildings that alternated between Tudor, Colonial and New England styles of archetecture. Finally, the car approached a white Cape Cod style two story house.

Pointing to the house, Daria said "This is it. 706 Kling Street.".

Quinn pulled into the driveway. Neither sister noticed the "for sale" sign in front of the red brick colonial right next door (hint hint).

* * *

**The living room, a short time later...**

Daria and Quinn were having tea with Stacy and her husband, Chuck.

For those who aren't familiar with the series "Quinn", Chuck is the man formerly known as Upchuck. After she helped him with his magic act in the _Daria_ episode "Life In The Past Lane" Stacy and Chuck secretly became friends. A year later feelings of friendship had evolved into something more. Quinn first learned of this when she aciddentally walked in on them making out. It had been a spur of the moment thing. At the time, however, Chuck and Stacy decided they were better off just being friends and wrote the whole thing off as a one time lapse in judgment. Then came spring break. In college Chuck had found his footing and become quite the ladies man. Stacy ran into him in a hot tub with a group of beautiful women, all of whom were naked (along with Chuck). Once over her initial shock Stacy ditched her bikini and joined them. The combination of alcohol (and repressed desire for each other) led not only to another make out session but Stacy kissing a girl for the first time (and not the last). Things might have gone further had the other girls not distracted Chuck to the point where he forgot Stacy was there, prompting her to storm off in a jealous huff (she'd had a similar reaction when she found out that he'd lost his virginity to Andrea, but couldn't bring herself to admit that she was jealous).

Things came to a head on prom night. Stacy, not knowing that Chuck was back in town for the summer, had taken another guy to the dance. Thing's were fine until after the dance when the guy got fresh with her in the limo he'd rented. Stacy fought him off and made a run for it. While walking home Chuck miraculously drove by and saw her. They wound up spending the night at his house as his parents were out of town. Things between them escalated and they wound up out of their clothes and inside each other. After the first round of sex they decided to stop fighting it and accept the fact that they'd fallen in love with each other. After that, they spent the rest of the night alternating between deep conversation and passionate sex.

Chuck and Stacy were pretty much inseperable from that night on. They went to college together and after that returned to Lawndale. Stacy became a reporter with the local TV station while Chuck built up his home based computer business, Feisty IT. They got married. A few years after that Stacy gave birth to their first child, a boy that they named Charles Ruttheimer The Fourth and everyone called Chucky for short. Around the same time that Quinn and Jim had the triplets Chuck and Stacy had their second child, a girl who they named after Quinn and everyone called Q for short. At the same time, Stacy's journalism career went so well that she was offered a job at the flagship station in New York. The rest is history.

Now, they were in the living room talking.

"So," said Chuck, "You and Jim decided to move up here, huh?". After this, he went into his Upchuck voice. "Grrrrrr, gutsy!"

This elicited a friendly laugh from everyone else.

Quinn said "I spent all of yesterday looking for a place in the city. It was a nightmare.".

Daria added "The only affordable place was a death trap that seems to be a serial killers preferred target".

After taking a sip of his tea, Chuck said "That's the city for ya. Fun place to visit, impossible place to live".

Stifiling a giggle, Quinn said "That's exactly what Jim would say if he weren't back in Lawndale watching the boys".

"How is my old buddy, anyway?" Chuck asked.

"Looking forward to moving up here" said Quinn. With a sigh, she added "If I can find a place, that is".

Stacy reassured her friend.

"Don't worry, Quinn. I called a local realtor. She'll help us."

Both Quinn and Daria's eyes brightened at this prospect.

* * *

**An office building in Glenville, a short time later...**

Stacy, Quinn and Daria were seated in front of a desk. A smartly dressed and friendly blonde woman sat in front of them.

"Thanks for squeezing us in, Leslie," said Stacy.

Leslie replied "No trouble at all, Stacy". Leslie proceeded to look at her listings. "In fact, I have a place here that's perfect for you. Big house, five bedrooms, all for a total of $500,000.00."

That was the answer to Quinn's prayers as it was perfectly withing her price range.

"Let's see it" said a visibly excited Quinn.

Leslie stood up.

"Come on, it's a short drive from here."

* * *

**Kling Street, a short time later...**

Quinn's Cadillac, Stacy's Escalade and Leslie's car pulled up to the two-story red brick house next to Stacy's. All filed out of their cars. Stacy smiled while Daria and Quinn stared in amazement.

"How did we not notice this before?" asked Daria.

Leslie walked up to them.

"This is it. The house has been on the market for a while now. "

Stacy added "It's been vacant for almost a year".

Suddenly nervous, Quinn asked "Why?".

Stacy said "My old neighbor went down for a Ponzi Scheme. This house was one of the siezed assets. It's been sitting vacant ever since.".

Getting the house keys from her purse, Leslie said "Shall we".

* * *

**Inside, a short time later...**

Leslie was showing everyone around. After the front door was a hallway that ran down the center of the house and had stairs leading up to the secone floor on the left side.

Leslie said "The main hall".

She then led them to the first room on the right. This room had a large walkin closet and several power, phone, computer and cable outlets.

"The office" Leslie explained.

After taking a few seconds to take in the sight Leslie led them back across to the first room on the left. Once inside this large and empty room everyone looked at the chandelier hanging from the ceiling. Off to the right was a second dorrway that led directly into the kitchen.

"The dinning room" said Leslie.

Daria, Quinn and Stacy sontinued to look in amazement. Quinn was already imagining her formal dining table and other dinning room furnature in the place.

After this they followed Leslie into the kitchen. The kitchen was large with a walk in pantry, a electric stove and not one but two ovens. There was an electric oven under the stove and a gas/wood burning oven built into the wall on the right. On the left were the sink, dishwasher and space for the refridgerator. On the left wall was an open entrance leading to the main hallway. On the right wall was a closed door leading to the garage.

Leslie led them to the massive garage which, even filled with stuff, was big enough to park two cars, four if you put them front to back as well as side to side. Next to the kitchen door were hookups for a washer and dryer as well as a furnace for winter heating. The garage even had a back door leading to the back yard which had a patio but, unlike Quinn and Jim's place in Lawndale, no swimming pool or jacuzzi. Quinn, however, didn't see the need as they were only a short drive from the beach anyway.

"Don't be bummed," said Stacy, "You and Jim could come over and use our jacuzzi any time you want".

After this, Leslie led everyone back through the garage and into the kitchen. She led them to the last unexplored room, the living room. As they crossed the central hallway between the kitchen and living room Leslie pointed to a closed door by the back door.

"Downstairs bathroom."

They entered the living room. It was massive. Even fully furnished there was plenty of space to run around. At the rear was a massive fireplace. Quinn was falling more in love with the house by the second.

* * *

**Later...**

They were all upstairs now. At the top of the stairs they came out at the center of a hallway and could turn eithre left or right. Directly across from them was the upstairs bathroom. As they turned left they came to a storage closet at the end of the hall with a bedroom on each side. Going back to the other end of the hallway they found another bedroom after the bathroom as well as a fourth bedroom at the end that could serve as a guest room. The last door on the right led to the master bedroom.

* * *

**Outside, after the tour...**

They were all getting ready to leave.

"So, Mrs. Carbone," said Leslie, "What do you think?".

Quinn appeared to be mulling over the choice. This caused Stacy to worry.

"Come on, Quinn. It's a nice house, in a nice neighborhood. It's a short drive from both the city and the beach, it's got a top notch school district and it's right next door to Chuck and I. What's not to like?"

Smirking, Daria said "Don't worry. She just likes to do this for dramatic effect.".

Finally, Quinn made her decision.

"Sold!"

* * *

**Lawndale, the next day...**

Quinn, Jim and the boys were seated at the kitchen table. Quinn was showing them pictures of the house she'd just bought.

"So," she said, "What do you think?".

"Quinn, it's perfect" said Jim.

Teddy said "So, since it's the middle of the school year does this mean we'll have to either repeat second grade or endure summer school?".

Tommy and Timmy both froze in fear.

"Don't worry," Quinn reassured, "While I was up there I went ahead and enrolled all three of you in the local elementary school. We move up this weekend and you start on Monday.".

All three triplets breathed huge sighs of relief.

Jim could barely contain his excitement.

"No more Chan, no more Kevin, no more jerks who make me wanna take a toaster in the bath tub. Finally!"

* * *

**Friday afternoon...**

The Carbone's have just finished loading all of their possessions in a large moving van. Jim and Quinn had driven their cars up to the new house the prevoius day and rented the moving van while up there.

"There" said Jim as he closed the rear gate of the truck. "I can't wait to leave this place in the rearview mirror."

At this point, Chan Wang walked up to them.

"So sad, you go to New York."

He then smiled.

"Who I kidding!? This best day of my life. So long ginzo neighbor, white trash wife and stupid kid. HA HA HA!"

Jim and Quinn both shot him a dirty look. After this, a man in glasses and a business suit walked up to them.

"Mr. and Mrs. Carbone" the man said, "I'm Edward Ross, New Jersey Department of Corrections. I just wanted to thank you for the quick sale of this house.".

Walking up to Ross, Chan said "Chan Wang. I your new neighbor.".

Refusing to shake Chan's hand, Mr. Ross said "I'm not moving here".

Chan looked confused.

Smirking, Jim said "Didn't we tell you, Chan? We sold this place to the state.".

Grinning, Quinn said "They wanna convert it to a halfway house for recently paroled felons. Chan, your new neighbors are gonna be convicted murderers, rapists and thieves.".

Chan gulped with dread.

* * *

**A short time later...**

The moving van is driving up the road. The cab has both front and back seats, allowing the whole family to travel together. Quinn rode shotgun while Jim drove and the boys rode in the back.

"Take one last look, boys" said Quinn.

"Why?" asked Teddy.

"Yeah," Tommy added, "We're moving someplace a lot cooler.".

Timmy said "Yeah, New York's gonna be awesome. Maybe I can start working on my routing.".

"What routine?" asked Jim.

Quinn said "Timmy wants to be a stand up comedian when he grows up".

"I can be the next Chris Farley" said Timmy, "Except I'll be the first chubby comic to live past 35".

"Still," said Quinn, "We're gonna be leaving behind some fond memories. Yeah, Lawndale sucks but we still had fun when all of our loved ones lived here".

"Not really," said Teddy, "That's why everyone we give a crap about left".

Jim said "You know he's right, Quinn".

Quinn nodded in agreement.

At this point, they approached a sign that read "Leaving: Lawndale".

Exchanging grins, Quinn and Jim simultaneously rolled down their windows. As they passed the sign they both stuck out an arm and extended a finger. Quinn and Jim spoke at the exact same time as they gave Lawndale the one fingered salute...

"SEE YOU IN HELL, LAWNDALE!"

They continued on to New York.

I almost forgot. A few weeks later Chan said the wrong thing to the wrong guy and was savagely murdered as a result.

**The End.**

* * *

**Next Time**

Quinn and her family settle into their new life. We also get a detailed look at what Trent has been up to lately.

* * *

**Author's note:** This is the beginning of a whole new series.


	2. Same Crap, Different Place

**Opening Montage**

**Music:** "You're Standing On My Neck"

First, we see Quinn and her husband, Jim, driving a moving van toward New York City. This is followed by a shot of the Carbones and Ruttheimers having a joyous reunion in front of a new house on Long Island. Next, we see Quinn and Daria walking in Central Park. Quinn throws some popcorn to some happy, hungry squirrels. Daria does the same thing, but the squirrels run from her as if she were a monster. Next, we see Jim and Chuck talking with some neighbors. Afterwards, we see Quinn and Stacy mingle at a party while Daria and Jane stand off to the side and make snarky comments. Next, we see Daria and Quinn on the beach at Coney island. A bunch of studly guys start chatting up Quinn. When a fight breaks out both Quinn and Daria look dismayed. This is followed by a shot of Quinn and Daria walking down the street. As someone is mugged in front of them Quinn is about to interfere until Daria dissuades her. Next, we see Quinn and Jim on a double date with Daria and a guy. The guy pays more attention to Quinn than Daria. This makes Jim visibly jealous. When a fight breaks out, both Daria and Quinn smirk that famous Mona Lisa smile. After this, we see a pink background with both Quinn and Daria's heads in a circle. Below them is the following caption...

**Daria and Quinn**

**in**

**"Same Crap, Different Place"**

**written by**

**WildDogJJ**

**Act I**

**Scene 1**

**Ext. Shot:** An apartment building in Hells Kitchen, day...

**Int. Shot:** Daria's apartment

Daria was sitting at her desk typing away on her computer when the phone rang. She immediately answered.

Daria: "Hello, you've reached the Ninth Circle of Hell, Lady Satan speaking."

Split-screen to reveal Quinn on the other end of the line.

Quinn: "Nice to hear you still have your sense of humor, dark mistress."

Daria: "Hey, Quinn. What's on your mind?"

Quinn: "I was just calling to see if you were still coming over for dinner tonight."

Daria: "You know I'll be there, even though Jane insists we go to lunch with her in Queens today."

Quinn looks puzzled.

Quinn: "I don't recall Jane inviting us to lunch."

Daria: "I didn't find out myself until a few minutes ago. I was going to call and tell you after I finished writing this new SNL sketch. Thanks for saving me the trouble."

Quinn: "I'll be there. Jim's gonna be spending all day making a vlog of our new home town."

Something occurs to Quinn at this point.

Quinn: "Why's Jane springing a last minute lunch date on us?"

Daria: "She wouldn't say. You know how Jane is. "

Quinn: (deadpan) "No drama equals no fun."

Daria: "Exactly!"

Both sisters laugh. Once the laughing stops...

Daria: "So, Jim's spending today making a video?"

Quinn: "And chauffering the boys around. In fact, he's taking them to school as we speak."

* * *

**Scene 2**

**Ext. Shot:** A street in Glenville, Long Island

We see a blue 2017 Camaro ZL1 going down the street.

**Int. Shot:** Jim's Camaro

Jim is driving while Tommy rides shotgun and Timmy and Teddy ride in the back seat. The scene should be eerily familiar to _Daria_ fans.

Jim: "Boys, your mother and I want you to know that we understand it's not easy to start over at a new school in a new town."

Teddy: (deadpan) "Did we move? Also, why do I have a strange feeling this conversation's happened before?"

Tommy rolled his eyes.

Tommy: "Because you're weird like that."

Jim: (stern tone) "Tommy!"

Jim instantly calms down.

Jim: "I'm just saying that Teddy doesn't make friends as easily as...some people."

Teddy: "Tommy and Timmy, for instance."

Timmy: "Teddy, it's not hard to make friends."

Teddy: "Not when you're a sycophant who constantly sucks up to Tommy it isn't."

Tommy takes offense.

Tommy: "HEY!"

Jim doesn't want a fight.

Jim: "BOYS!"

He instantly calms down.

Jim: "I'm not comparing anyone to anyone...necessarily." (thought VO) _Teddy's right, this conversation does feel like it happened before._ (out loud) "What I'm trying to say is that the first day at a new school is bound to be trying for anyone. God knows it was for me, but my father wasn't much comfort."

All three of the triplets frown. They know what's coming. Jim veers off into a rant similar to ones they've heard from Grandpa Jake.

Jim: "Toughen up, you little nancy! Be a man, Jim! Be a warrior! DON'T QUESTION ME, BOY, I KILLED A HUNDRED GOOKS IN 'NAM! YOU'LL NEVER BE A MAN YOU MOTHER..."

Teddy immediately defuses the situation.

Teddy: "DAD!"

This snaps Jim out of his Jake-like rant.

Jim: "Sorry! What I'm trying to say is don't be discouraged if it takes the other kids a little time to warm up to you."

**Ext. Shot:** A two-story red brick building with a playground behind it.

As Jim's Camaro pulls up in front of the building we see a plaque that reads "Billy Joel Elementary School." Cut to a bunch of kids in front of the school as Jim's Camaro comes to a stop. The first kid to emerge is Tommy. One of the boys took one look at Tommy.

Boy: "You're cool! What's your name?"

Tommy: "Tommy Carbone."

Another boy spoke.

Boy 2: "Cool name! We should hang out."

A cute girl in pigtails approached and spoke to Tommy.

Girl: "You're cute!"

At this point, Timmy joined his brother.

Tommy: "This is my brother, Timmy."

Wanting to be in favor with Tommy all the other kids walked up to Timmy and were very nice to him. No one wanted to incur Tommy's wrath with comments about Timmy's weight. Cut to Teddy and Jim. Teddy rolled his eyes as even his own brothers seemed to forget that he was here.

Teddy: (sarcastic) "Gee, Dad, I'll try to help them through this difficult period of adjustment."

Jim was speechless.

Jim: (thought VO) _Now I'm positive something like this happened before._

* * *

**Scene 3**

**Ext. Shot:** A commercial block in Queens.

Jane stands in front of the entrance to a bar labeled "Mystik bar and grille". Daria and Quinn approach. Jane then smiles.

Jane: "Glad you could make it!"

Daria: "Hey, Jane."

Quinn: "Not that I'm not happy to see you, Jane, but I would've appreciated a direct invite instead of finding out through my sister."

Jane shrugs.

Jane: "Lane Family Curse. We don't think things through."

Daria: "Way to state the obvious, Jane."

**Int. Shot:** Mystik Bar And Grille

The inside of the place looks like the Zon. The three women are seated at the bar. The bartender is Trent. Even though he's only 44 his gray, receding hair and sagging jaw line make him look like he's well into his sixties. This comes as no surpirse since, given his lifestyle, no one expected him to age well.

Trent: "Hey, Daria, Janey...um...Daria's sister."

Quinn rolled her eyes.

Quinn: "My name's not Daria's sister, it's Quinn."

Jane: "Mrs. Carbone if you're nasty."

Trent winked.

Trent: "I think I know how nasty she can be."

Quinn shrunk on her stool. She doesn't like to be reminded of her biggest sexual regret. Jane gives Trent a puzzled look, which Daria notices.

Daria: "I guess no one told you. Remember when Quinn broke up with Trevor right after college?"

Jane: "Because he didn't go pro? Yep, all too well."

Quinn got defensive.

Quinn: "I broke up with him because our lives were going in two different directions!"

Jane: "And his direction wasn't toward the NFL."

Quinn looks like she wants to tell Jane off, but thinks better of it.

Daria: "Jane, I never told you this because I just assumed you already knew. While Quinn was trying to get over Trevor she and Trent had a few drinks and...you know."

Jane smirked.

Jane: "I've heard of princesses kissing frogs, but sleeping with them?"

Quinn visibly wants to become invisible.

Quinn: "Look, it was a drunk mistake that I'd like to pretend never happened."

Trent scratches his now gray goatee.

Trent: "Um, yeah, maybe we should talk about something else."

Quinn: "How is it you could afford a bar?"

Before Trent could answer, Jane steps up.

Jane: "After Max's brother sold the place in Mirage he was kind enough to split everything with the guys. Trent put his share in a savings account that earns interest and promptly forgot about it."

Trent: "I mentioned it to Janey last year when I was having trouble landing Mystik Explosion gigs."

Quinn raised an eyebrow.

Quinn: "Mystik Explosion?"

Daria: "Formerly known as Mystik Spiral."

Jane: "But only Trent and Jessie are in it. Nick and Max gave up and got day jobs quite some time ago. Anyways, with all the accumulated interest he had enough money to buy this place and make Mystik Explosion the in house band."

At this point a gruff, heavy set man emerged from the kitchen with three plates of hamburgers and fries.

Cook: "Yo, Trent! Tha boigers are ready!"

Trent: "Thanks, Smitty."

Smitty placed the burgers on the bar in front of each woman. Daria, Quinn and Jane each take a bite and scrunch their faces in disgust.

Quinn: "Ewww! What the Hell!?"

Daria: "Why do these burgers taste like rubber!?"

Smitty points toward Trent.

Smitty: "Ax Mr. Narcolepsy over 'ere."

Trent looks embarrassed as he explains.

Trent: "I kinda missed the last shipment because I was asleep. We have to use the old stuff until next month." He scratches his chin in thought. "Oh, Yeah, I also forgot that our freezer is on the fritz. Should probably have that fixed."

Daria, Quinn and Jane all look like they could puke at any moment.

* * *

**Scene 4**

**Ext. Shot:** The new Casa Carbone, evening

**Int. Shot:** The kitchen

Daria, Quinn, Jim and the boys are seated at the table having dinner. Tommy is telling them about his day.

Tommy: "...and we had a lot of fun at recess. "

Daria smirked.

Daria: "This definitely happened before."

Teddy: "I've been having deja vu all day too. Before they let us in class we had to take a psychological exam."

Both Daria and Quinn frown. The boys first day at Joel Elementary School has played out exactly like their first day at Lawndale High.

Daria: "Let me guess, the teacher hates one of you for knowing all the answers and there are some interesting idiots in the class."

Teddy gives his aunt a quizzical look.

Teddy: "How'd you know?"

Daria: "Story of my life."

Quinn: "Now that you mention it, this is how our first day at Lawndale high went."

She turned to Teddy.

Quinn: "You didn't try to mess with the psychiatrist, did you Teddy?"

Now, Jim looks curious.

Jim: "Why?"

Daria: "Because I did the same thing and got misdaignosed with low self-esteem as a result."

Teddy now gulps with dread. Before the conversation can continue, however, the phone rings. Quinn gets up and answers.

Quinn: "Hello...Yes, I'm his mother..." Her expression darkens. "...I see...Look, I'm sure he was just messing around...No, I get it...Fine, we'll be there...See you then, bye."

Quinn then hung up and went to the table. She gave Teddy a stern look.

Quinn: "You messed with the psychiatrist, didn't you?"

Daria: "Let me guess, low self-esteem."

Quinn: "No, budding psychopathy."

Tommy and Timmy both gasp with dread. Jim gets angry.

Jim: "WHAT!? DAMMIT, TEDDY!"

Quinn immediately turns her ire on Jim.

Quinn: "JIM, FOCUS!"

As Jim calms down Quinn turns her attention on Teddy.

Quinn: "Dammit, Teddy! We constantly warn you time and again that you can't mess with people like this and you just...won't...listen!" She pounds her fists on the table. "WHAT THE FUCK'S WRONG WITH YOU!?"

Daria smirked.

Daria: "Genes from the Morgendorffer side of the family."

Tommy rolls his eyes while Timmy looks scared.

Timmy: "Is he gonna go on a mass shooting!?"

Tommy is more disdainful than frightened.

Tommy: "You know, it's gonna make me look bad if he does that."

Teddy sighed.

Teddy: "No, I'm not gonna go on a killing spree."

Everyone looks relieved until...

Teddy: "Doesn't mean I don't think it's a good idea. You know, help evolution along by removing some of the stupid genes."

Only Daria finds that wisecrack amusing. While everyone else looks disapprovingly at Teddy she flashes her Mona Lisa grin.

* * *

**Act II**

**Scene 1**

**Ext. Shot:** Billy Joel Elementary School, day

**Music: **"The Sickness" by Disturbed

**Int. Shot:** The principal's office

Quinn and Jim are seated in front of the principal's desk while the principal is seated behind his desk and the school psychiatrist is standing off to the side. The name on the principal's desk is M. Stickler. Stickler is a muscular man in his forties with dark brown hair cut in a severe military buzz with a flat top and the sides shorn to the point of being mere stubble. He has a square jaw and his face seems frozen in a stern scowl. The psychiatrist, Dr. Melnik, is a short, balding man in his fifties with a gray beard and thick glasses.

Mr. Stickler: "Mr. and Mrs. Carbone, I gather you understand the gravity of the situation."

Quinn: "Look, I think I know my own son. Trust me, he's not a psychopath. He just has an unusual sense of humor."

Dr. Melnik shakes his head.

Dr. Melnick: "That's not what the test results say, Mrs. Carbone."

Jim: "I happen to know for a fact that the types of tests administered by school shrinks use a methodology that is flawed and, more often than not, outdated."

Mr. Stickler scowls at Jim.

Mr. Stickler: "Is that a fact, Mr. Carbone? And how would you know this?"

Jim holds his ground.

Jim: "I went to Glen Harbor High, just a stone's throw from here and was subjected to a similar test."

Mr. Stickler picks up Teddy's file from his desk and skims through it.

Mr. Stickler: "Ah, I thought you looked familiar. Your brother and I graduated in the same class."

Jim looks confused.

Jim: "Funny, he never mentioned a classmate named Eric Stickler."

Mr. Stickler now looks angry.

Mr. Stickler: "No surprise. The only time Mr. Star Quarterback Chris Carbone acknowledged me was when he and his jock buddies were giving me wedgies and stuffing me in a locker. I ever tell you about the time your asshole brother shoved me naked into the girls shower?"

Jim: "You don't seem like the geeky type."

Now, Stickler looked proud.

Mr. Stickler: "Four years in the Marine Corp manned me up, you little weiner!"

Now, it's Jim who looks angry. He stands up.

Jim: "WEINER!"

Quinn immediately defuses her husband.

Quinn: "SIT DOWN, JIM!"

Jim calms down and does as his wife says. Mr. Stickler smirks.

Mr. Stickler: "And whipped by his woman to boot."

Quinn now looks ready to tear Stickler a new one, but immediately thinks better of it.

Quinn: "Let's stick to the subject at hand."

Dr. Melnik looks at his notes from the psych exam.

Dr. Melnik: "Based on my anaylisis I've come to the following conclusions. Tommy is a perfectly normal second grader. He occasionally grows disruptive out of boredom but is ultimately obedient. He makes friends very easily and has already managed to become very popular with his peers. I'm a little worried about Timmy's self esteem, though. He seems to crave attention and blindly follows Tommy's lead to that end."

Mr. Stickler interrupts.

Mr. Stickler: "So long as he continues to do that I see no problem."

Dr. Melnik continues.

Dr. Melnik: "Teddy, on the other hand, frightens me. He's highly intelligent, in fact he reads at a college level, but has no interest in socializing. This fits the profile of every mass shooter of the past three decades. I feel that unless steps are taken to rehabilitate him now that is exactly what he'll become."

Quinn rolls her eyes.

Quinn: (under her breath) "You're so full of shit."

Mr. Stickler: "I beg your pardon?"

Quinn smiles sweetly and speaks at her normal volume.

Quinn: "Nothing."

Mr. Stickler: "I'm inclined to agree with Dr. Melnik. A child like Teddy is a direct threat to my pow...I mean my ability to maintain an orderly school environment."

Jim: "Soooo?"

Dr. Melnik: "I recommed that Teddy be seperated from the general student population and placed in Special Education until the end of this school year. After that I'll reevaluate him to determine if he can be safely mainstreamed."

Mr. Stickler: "And then I can either mainstream him or keep him in special ed. The purpose of this meeting is to secure your permission to do that, Mr. and Mrs. Carbone."

Jim and Quinn now look worried.

Quinn: "If we say no?"

Mr. Stickler flashes a triumphant grin.

Mr. Stickler: "Then I expell him and he'll have to attend a special reformitory school for pre-teen delinquints."

Both Quinn and Jim narrow their eyes.

Jim: "You bastard!"

Quinn: "So, either I let you segregate my son or you'll throw him in kid jail!?"

Mr. Stickler nodded.

Mr. Stickler: "Exactly! Also, I recommend you do a better job of raising your children."

Quinn takes offense at that remark.

Quinn: "Excuse me!? Where the fuck do you get off, you prick!? I'm a good mother!"

Dr. Melnik: "Not according to my notes, and the tests don't lie. Teddy's clearly the product of lazy, uninvolved parenting."

Quinn looks like she could attack both the shrink and the principal at any moment. Now, it's Jim who has to calm her down.

Jim: "Quinn, don't do anything to convince them that they're right."

Quinn takes a deep breath to calm herself, but continues to silently seethe with rage.

* * *

**Scene 2**

**Ext. Shot:** Mystik Bar and Grille, Queens, evening

**Int. Shot:** the bar

Daria and Quinn are seated at the bar. While Daria drinks a rum and coke Quinn is having a cosmopolitan. They're talking about the developemnts with Teddy.

Quinn: "...so I had no choice but to approve them sticking Teddy in with the retards."

Daria: "You know, the preferred term is 'developmentally challenged' these days...I think."

Daria takes a sip of her drink.

Daria: "This reminds me of the time I was thrown in the self-esteem class. You even have a male Ms. Li running that gulag...I mean school."

Quinn was too upset to laugh at the joke.

Quinn: "It doesn't help that Mr. Stickler is a guy Chris bullied in high school and is basically taking it out on us."

Daria: "It's more proof of something Jane once said to me. Everything's been decided, they win, you lose and in the end what you do doesn't matter because the outcome's already fixed."

Quinn: "When did Jane say that?"

Daria: "When you were going through that guardian angel phase. She thought, correctly in hindsight, that my problem with you believeing in angels was because I was afraid it was true and it therefore meant that shallow airheads fit in so well because someone up there is looking out for them."

Quinn sighed.

Quinn: "Way to make me feel better, sis."

As Quinn took a sip of her cosmo a thought occurred to her.

Quinn: "How did you and Jane get out of that self-esteem class after only one week?"

Daria: "It was her sixth go around. She had all the answers to the pass test written down word for word. We just memorized them."

Quinn hung her head and sighed.

Quinn: "This course they're putting Teddy in doesn't have a pass test. He's stuck there until they evaluate him at the end of the school year. I wish there was something I could do. He's a bright kid. He doesn't deserve to go through this just because the school psychiatrist is an idiot and the principal has it in for my husband's side of the family."

Daria looks thoughtful.

* * *

**Scene 3**

**Ext. Shot:** Billy Joel Elementary School, day

**Music:** "Creep" by Radiohead

**Int. Shot:** One of the classrooms

The kids in the class are a collection of all ages and types. Some have genuine disabilities and special needs while others appear to have been placed there simply for not fitting Mr. Stickler's impossibly narrow definition of normal. The teacher is a cheery brunette in her thirties who would look like a supremodel if not for her modest and drab outfit. Her name was Miss Ellis.

Cut to Teddy as he sits in a corner reading "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest". Miss Ellis approaches him.

Miss Ellis: "Teddy, where did you get that book?"

Teddy is visibly annoyed at the interruption.

Teddy: "I brought it with me from home."

Miss Ellis snatched the book away.

Teddy: "HEY! That's mine!"

Miss Ellis spoke in a tone one would use to talk to a preschooler.

Miss Ellis: "That's a book for grownups."

Teddy: (deadpan) "Then it's too advanced for you."

Miss Ellis: "That's not polite, Teddy. Say something nice or don't say anything at all. Now, what do we say when we've done something mean?"

Teddy: (thought VO) _You've gotta be shitting me._ (out loud) "I'm sorry."

Miss Ellis reacts to this as if reacting to a toddler correctly reciting the alphabet for the first time.

Miss Ellis: "Very good, Teddy. You can have the book back after school."

She turns toward the bookshelf and sorts through them.

Miss Ellis: "Now, let's find something more appropriate."

Her face lights up as she finds something.

Miss Ellis: "Perfect!"

She takes out a copy of 'Everybody Poops' and gives it to Teddy.

Miss Ellis: "Here you go, Teddy."

She walked away as Teddy frowned.

Teddy: "A potty training manual for two-year olds. How intellectually stimulating."

At this point one of the other students taps Teddy on the shoulder. Pan out to show a girl his age. This girl is wearing a tie-dyed shirt and blue jeans. Her physical features indicate that she's biracial. She has the straight black hair and narrow eyes of an asian but the fair skin tone of a european.

Girl: "You get used to it after a while. Miss Ellis seems to think we're all emotionally stunted at pre school age."

Teddy: "Way to state the obvious."

Girl: "You were thrown in here for calling out Melnik, weren't you?"

Teddy nodded.

Girl: "Join the club. They stuck me in here just because I'm into art instead of dumb ass Barbie dolls. It's a real buzzkill. So, you were reading 'One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest'?"

Teddy: "A story about people being incarcerated just for being themselves feels appropriate given the circumstances."

The girl couldn't help giggling.

Girl: "What're you doing after school?"

Teddy: "Walking home to stare at the ceiling while my idiot brothers play video games."

Girl: "Me too, well, minus the part about immature brothers. I'm an only child. Wanna walk home with me? I wouldn't mind some company that I can have an intelligent conversation with."

Teddy: "Sure, why not?"

The girl extended her hand.

Girl: "My name's Rachel, by the way. Rachel Yagami."

Teddy shakes Rachel's hand.

Teddy: "Teddy Carbone."

The two exchange smirks, letting us know that Teddy's just met the Jane to his Daria.

* * *

**Scene 4**

**Ext. Shot:** Casa Carbone, evening

**Int. Shot:** The kitchen

Quinn, Jim and the boys are seated at the kitchen table having dinner and talking about their day.

Tommy: "...and they loved my yo-yo tricks on the playground."

Quinn: (faux interest) "That's nice, Tommy."

Jim turns his attention to Teddy.

Jim: "How's the special class, Teddy?"

Teddy: "The teacher seems to labor under the delusion that we're all mentally retarded."

Timmy: "I didn't know you were retarded, Teddy."

Tommy rolls his eyes.

Tommy: "Great. Now I have to say Timmy and I are twins. Word gets out that Teddy's a retard I can kiss my popularity goodbye."

Quinn scowls at both Tommy and Timmy.

Quinn: "BOYS! I've told you time and again not to use words like 'retard'!"

Jim: "Your mother's right. It's not nice to make fun of special needs kids."

Quinn: "And don't either of you DARE shun your brother for being different." (thought VO) _Because it'll be a cold day in Hell before I let you repeat my mistakes._

Timmy: "Sorry, Mom."

While Timmy immediately gets it Tommy whines.

Tommy: "But Mom, everyone will hate me if they know Teddy's my brother."

Quinn: "No, they won't! I know it's hard to believe, but it's true. And even if the other kids do judge you for having a brother who's different so what? That just means they're jerks that you shouldn't be friends with anyway."

Teddy decides to insert himself back into the conversation.

Teddy: "I actually made a friend today. Her name's Rachel. She's a normal kid who got screwed over by the school too."

Jim: "That's great, Teddy."

Tommy decides to make fun of his brother.

Tommy: (mocking tone) "Teddy's got a girlfriend! Teddy's got a girlfriend!"

Teddy rolls his eyes at his brother's immaturity.

Teddy: "She's not my girlfriend. Yeah, she's a girl and a friend, but that's all. It's not like we're gonna start dating or anything."

Tommy isn't about to let up.

Tommy: "Teddy and Rachel, sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes love, then..."

Quinn: (stern tone) "Tommy!"

Tommy immediately shut up.

Teddy: "According to Rachel, Mr. Stickler throws any kid he deems 'unusual' in that class. And we just sit there while the teacher treats us like we can't even wipe ourselves."

Timmy: "You don't have to wipe yourself!?"

Jim, Tommy and Teddy frown at Timmy while Quinn looks thoughtful.

* * *

**Scene 5**

**Ext. Shot:** Daria's apartment building in Hells Kitchen, evening

**Music:** "Girl Talk" by The Donnas

**Int. Shot:** Daria's apartment

Daria is seated on her couch. While her cat, Godzilla, rests next to her she talks on the phone.

Daria: "So, we agree that something needs to be done?"

Split-screen to show Quinn on the other end of the line.

Quinn: "Yes. Apparently Teddy's not the only kid who's been thrown in that class because he doesn't fit into a disturbingly narrow definition of normal. It seems that the psych test is just a way to weed out anyone who dares to think for themselves."

Daria: "So, it's just like taking on Ms. Li back in the old days. Fortunately, I think there's a way to get not just Teddy but all the other kids out of that class and with the other children where they belong. I've been looking into family psychologists in the area. Once a shrink who's not beholden to the school evaluates them and finds nothing wrong we'll be halfway there. However, if this principal's anything like Ms. Li it'll take legal action, or the threat thereof, to get him to act on the new shrink's recommendations."

Quinn: "Leave that to me."

Daria: "Alright, Quinn, we know what to do."

Both women hang up but the split screen remains. Each one dials another number on her phone.

Daria: "Hello, Long Island Family Practice. I understand you like to do pro bono cases in the schools...Perfect, I have one such case."

Quinn: "Mom, I know this is sudden, but could you hop on a plane to New York? I need your help in a legal matter...A discrimination case. Daria and I have evidence that Teddy is one of many students being unlawfully persecuted by the school administration...Great, I'll pick you and the airport tomorrow...See you then."

Both Quinn and Daria smirk. Mr. Stickler must now fight a legit psychiatrist AND Helen Morgendorffer.

* * *

**Act III**

**Scene 1**

**Ext. Shot:** Casa Carbone, day

We see a cab pull up in front of the house. Helen Morgendorffer emerges from the passenger side with a suitcase and makes her way to the front door. She looks like she did in the future scene from "Write Where It Hurts" accept that her hair is not gray due to the fact that she dyes it.

**Int. Shot:** The kitchen table, a short time later

Helen and Quinn are now having tea and catching up.

Quinn: "How was your flight, Mom?"

Helen: "It was nice. Granted, due to the short notice I had to fly economy class but I can handle two hours from Ft. Lauderdale to LaGuardia."

Quinn frowned.

Quinn: "Sorry, Mom, but I really need a lawyer right now and you're still the best lawyer I know despite the fact that you've been retired for almost four years."

Helen smiles at the praise.

Helen: "Thank you, Quinn, but it's no trouble at all. I'm more than happy to come out of retirement when my children need me. You and Daria may be in your thirties now but motherhood knows no age."

Quinn: "I know. A lot of your mothering used to annoy me but now that I'm a mom myself I finally get it. In fact, I'm doing this for my kids."

They now get down to business.

Helen: "So, what's going on with Teddy?"

Quinn: "His snarky remarks during a psych evaluation resulted in the doctor labelling him a budding psychopath. The school called us in and the principal all but confirmed that this misdiagnosis was made by the psychiatrist under pressure from him in order to remove someone who was seen as a non-conformist from the general student population so Teddy was placed in special ed. Unfortunately, other students in special ed have confirmed that segregating kids whom the principal deems different is a common practice at that school. Many of the children in special ed aren't even developmentally disabled. They were just placed there for not fitting a very narrow definition of normal."

Helen's eyes narrowed as this reignited some long dormant passions within her.

Helen: "It's a very clear cut case of discrimination. Before we can take action, however, we need some evidence. Otherwise it's just our word against theirs."

Quinn: "Already covered. While I was getting in touch with you and making all the arrangements Daria's been securing a psychiatrist to independently evaluate the special ed children. His findings can be used as evidence."

Helen smiled proudly at the forethought and teamwork of both of her daughters, though her smile also has a quality to it that's bittersweet.

Helen: (thought VO) _Where does the time go?_

* * *

**Scene 2**

**Ext. Shot: **A small office building on Greenville's main street with a sign that reads "Dr. Eisenberg Family Psychiatry", day

**Music:** "Synchronicity II" by The Police

**Int. Shot:** Dr. Eisenberg's office

Dr. Eisenberg is a balding, bearded man in his fifties with thick glasses who speaks in a calm voice that has a stereotypically Jewish New York accent. He's currently evaluating Teddy.

Dr. Eisenberg: "So, Teddy, can you explain to me why you made snarky remarks during your evaluation with Dr. Melnik?"

Teddy: "Yes. He's a pseudo-shrink who's true purpose is to weed out anyone who's not conventional."

Dr. Eisenberg: "And how do you know this?"

Teddy: "I've read numerous articles on the subject in Psychology Now magazine."

Dr. Eisenberg: "Isn't that reading material rather advanced for a seven year old boy?"

Teddy: "Yes, but I find it interesting. I've always had advanced interests for my age."

Dr. Eisenberg is visibly impressed.

Dr. Eisenberg: (thought VO) _This child has a remarkably advanced intellect. I can see why he'd be percieved as a problem by school officials who are ill prepared to nurture such a bright mind. _

Cut to later and we see Dr. Eisenberg now evaluating Rachel.

Rachel: "I was placed in that class for wanting to spend recess drawing sketches instead of playing with the other girls."

Dr. Eisenberg writes in his notepad.

Dr. Eisenberg: (thought VO) _This one is also advanced beyond her years. In fact, she displays artistic potential equal to the likes of many of the great masters._

Cut to later still and we see him evaluating another child.

Dr. Eisenberg: (thought VO) _This one was placed in special ed for preferring to do his homework during recess._

Cut to another shot of him evaluating another girl.

Dr. Eisenberg: (thought VO) _Placed in special ed for preferring athletics to dolls._

Cut to him evaluating a boy.

Dr. Eisenberg: (thought VO) _Preferrs arts and crafts to sports._

Cut to him evaluating a girl.

Dr. Eisenberg: (thought VO) _Prefers comic books to home ec._

Cut to him evaluating an Asian girl.

Dr. Eisenberg: (thought VO) _Not a straight A student._

Cut to him evaluating a black boy.

Dr. Eisenberg: (thought VO) _Prefers Rock music over Hip Hop._

Cut to him evaluating a Mexican child.

Dr. Eisenberg: (thought VO) _US citizen who's parents came to this country legally._

You pretty much get the idea.

* * *

**Scene 3**

**Ext. Shot: **Billy Joel Elementary School, day

**Int. Shot: **Mr. Stickler's office

Quinn and Helen are seated in front of Mr. Stickler's desk while the principal listens to Dr. Eisenberg read his findings.

Dr. Eisenberg: "...Based on these findings it is both my personal and professional opinion that none of these children belong in special education. My expert recommendation is that they be returned to the mainstream student population immediately."

Mr. Stickler scowls.

Mr. Stickler: "Very interesting, Dr. Eisenberg, but I'll not alter policy based on your recommendations."

Helen immediately goes into lawyer mode.

Helen: "You will if you want to avoid a lawsuit."

Mr. Stickler: "On what grounds?"

Helen: "This is a clear cut case of unlawful discrimination. Children can not be placed in special education for merely conforming to stereotypes."

Mr. Stickler's demeanor grows more aggressive.

Mr. Stickler: "I happen to know that you are a resident of Florida who has been retired for nearly five years. Why should I take a threat from someone who's no longer licensed to practice law seriously?"

Helen refuses to be intimidated.

Helen: "I've maintained my credentials in retirement and if you look into them you'll find that I am not only still licensed to practice law in all fifty states AND know every trial judge in the tri-state area, most of whom would be happy to do favors if I so choose to call them in."

Quinn fires her own guns.

Quinn: "And I have friends in the news media who'd kill for a story like this. Are you sure you wanna deal with the bad publicity that could result from all of this?"

Mr. Stickler is totally taken aback.

Mr. Stickler: "THIS IS BLACKMAIL!"

Helen: "Not according to the Civil Rights Act, the Americans With Disabilities Act AND the First Amendment it isn't."

Desperate, Mr. Stickler plays his last card.

Mr. Stickler: "I'm a decorated veteran of the Iraq War. I'll not cave to your terrorist demands."

Helen and Quinn both stand up.

Helen: "In that case, I'll see you in court."

Quinn: "And I'll see you on the evening news."

They both turn to walk out when...

Mr. Stickler: "WAIT!"

Helen and Quinn turn back around.

Mr. Stickler: "Maybe I've been too hasty. As a professional educator it would be a disservice to the students not to act on Dr. Eisenberg's recommendations."

Helen, Quinn and Dr. Eisenberg all grin in triumph.

* * *

**Scene 4**

**Ext. Shot:** Billy Joel Elementary School, the next day

**Int. Shot:** One of the classrooms

The students in this classroom include Tommy and Timmy Carbone as well as Q Ruttheimer, Chuck and Stacy's daughter. Suddenly, they're joined by Teddy Carbone and Rachel Yagami. The new kids take their seats. Timmy is happy to see them while Tommy's clearly disappointed.

Timmy: "Welcome back, Teddy."

Tommy rolls his eyes.

Tommy: "Don't you dare do anything weird in front of my friends."

Rachel gives Teddy a questioning look.

Rachel: "What's your brother's problem, Teddy?"

Teddy: "Love-hate relationship. Tommy loves being popular and hates anyone who threatens that, including me."

Rachel: "Bummer. I'm sorry."

Teddy: "Don't be. The hate part's mutual due to my low tolerance for idiots."

Just then, a boy in class speaks to Tommy.

Boy: "Tommy, you know that brain!? And why does he look like you and your brother?"

Teddy rolls his eyes.

Teddy: "You claimed to have only one brother, didn't you?"

Tommy ignores him and continues talking to the other cool kids.

Tommy: "Don't mind my...distant cousin. He's weird. Our...um...mothers were twins. That's why we look alike."

Timmy: "But Tommy, we're tri..."

Tommy shoots Timmy a hostile look.

Timmy: "Um...Never mind. Yeah...Teddy's our distant cousin."

It's obvious that Timmy's only saying this under pressure from Tommy.

Cut to Teddy and Rachel.

Rachel: "Now I'm actually glad I'm an only child."

Teddy: "The worst part is that my torture's just beginning."

* * *

**Scene 5**

**Ext. Shot: **A Pizza Forest location in Glenville, evening...

**Int. Shot:** A table for six.

Quinn, Jim, the boys and Daria are seated around a table while the people in animal costumes sing. Tommy and Timmy are visibly having fun while Teddy and the adults look VERY uncomfortable.

Furries: "ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT GENTLY DOWN THE STREAM! MERRILY, MERRILY, MERRILY, MERRILY LIFE IS BUT A DREAM..."

Cut to Teddy and Daria.

Daria: "Why'd you pick Pizza Forest to celebrate being mainstreamed?"

Teddy: "I didn't. Mom and Dad insisted we celebrate and when I tried to tell them what I wanted Tommy and Timmy shouted me down with cries of Pizza Forest. I gave up after twenty minutes of listening to them whine."

Daria: "Let me share a little survival tip with you, Teddy. See how your parents are squirming despite trying to look like they're having fun."

Teddy nodded.

Daria: "Take pleasure in their discomfort. That's how I got through situations like this as a kid."

Cut to the furries.

Head Furry: "Come on, your turn."

Tommy and Timmy: "ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT..."

Cut to Quinn and Jim looking like they wish they had a gun with which to end their suffering.

Cut to Teddy. He has a smirk on his face.

Teddy: "You're right, Aunt Daria. Thanks."

Daria has her trademark Mona Lisa grin.

**End Credits.**


	3. Jane The Outlaw

**Opening Montage**

**Music:** "You're Standing On My Neck"

First, we see Quinn and her husband, Jim, driving a moving van toward New York City. This is followed by a shot of the Carbones and Ruttheimers having a joyous reunion in front of a new house on Long Island. Next, we see Quinn and Daria walking in Central Park. Quinn throws some popcorn to some happy, hungry squirrels. Daria does the same thing, but the squirrels run from her as if she were a monster. Next, we see Jim and Chuck talking with some neighbors. Afterwards, we see Quinn and Stacy mingle at a party while Daria and Jane stand off to the side and make snarky comments. Next, we see Daria and Quinn on the beach at Coney island. A bunch of studly guys start chatting up Quinn. When a fight breaks out both Quinn and Daria look dismayed. This is followed by a shot of Quinn and Daria walking down the street. As someone is mugged in front of them Quinn is about to interfere until Daria dissuades her. Next, we see Quinn and Jim on a double date with Daria and a guy. The guy pays more attention to Quinn than Daria. This makes Jim visibly jealous. When a fight breaks out, both Daria and Quinn smirk that famous Mona Lisa smile. After this, we see a pink background with both Quinn and Daria's heads in a circle. Below them is the following caption...

**Daria and Quinn**

**in**

**"Jane The Outlaw"**

**written by**

**WildDogJJ**

**Act I**

**D'Angelo's Pizzaria, Manhattan's Little Italy, day...**

Daria, Quinn and Jane were seated at a table having lunch. Quinn had driven in from Long Island while Daria had taken the subway from Rockefeller Center and Jane had walked from her condo in SoHo. Now, the three of them were enjoying some of the best pizza in New York while making small talk.

"Sorry Stacy couldn't make it," said Daria, "But she has to cover a major story at city hall".

Quinn said "God, sounds like when Mom was trying to make partner at that law firm, except Stacy won't spend the whole evening taking calls from the office".

All three of them laughed. It was funny because it was true.

"So," said Quinn, "How have you guys been?".

Daria said "Well, I went on a date the other night with a guy who managed to kill any chance he had with my by flirting with every hot young thing he saw".

"Thank God I'm married," Quinn replied, "Bad dates are a thing of the past for me".

Daria turned her attention to Jane.

"How've you been lately?"

Jane said "Living the life of mooching off an absentee archaeologist husband".

Daria dryly remarked "The starving artist, minus the starving".

Jane let out a frustrated sigh.

"And minus the art."

Daria and Quinn both stared wide eyed at Jane.

Seeing this, Jane explained "I haven't made a new piece in almost a month. Everytime I try to start something I seem to instantly lose interest".

"You!? Lose interest in art!?" exclaimed Daria. "I never thought I'd see the day."

"How is that even possible!?" asked an equally surprised Quinn.

Jane said "Every idea I get is either something I've already done or something that someone else has done before and done way better". She sighed before continuing. "Maybe I've lost my muse."

Concerned, Daria asked "You aren't actually gonna give up on art, are you!?".

Jane said "No, but I need some fresh inspiration". She then turned to Quinn. "Remember when you posed nude for me fourteen years ago?"

Quinn nodded. "Yes, but I don't see how you'll recapture your muse doing something you did more than a decade ago."

Jane said "By going for an edgier vibe. This time I have both of you pose nude and simulate lesbian sex. I'll call it 'Sisterly Love'".

Both Daria and Quinn react to this in the exact same way at the exact same time.

"EEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

Jane smirked. "Couldn't resist. But, seriously, I think I can recapture my muse by doing something dangerous. I just haven't decided what."

Daria said "Whatever it is, I'll support it...Unless it's lesbian incest."

Quinn shuddered.

* * *

**Outside, a short while later...**

Daria, Quinn and Jane emerged from D'Angelo's and noticed some commotion across the street.

"DAMN KIDS!"

The voice belonged to the guy who ran the deli across the street. The cause of his tirade was some grafitti on the wall right by the door. Someone had painted an image of Donald Trump in caricature on his knees before an equally caricaturized image of Vladmir Putin.

Jane stared at the political graffitti and got an idea.

* * *

**Casa Carbone, that evening...**

Quinn's husband, Jim, was in the living room watching TV with their triplet sons Tommy, Timmy and Teddy. On the TV was an image of Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin alone in a room.

TV announcer: "Just how tight with Russia is President Trump?"

At this point, the US and Russian President's passionately make out.

TV announcer: "To Russia With Love...Next on Sick, Sad World!"

At this point Quinn entered the living room and rolled her eyes.

"God, Jim, now you have the boys watching that junk."

Jim said "They were gonna find it sooner or later".

Quinn snatched the TV remote and changed the channel before sitting down with them.

"Let's watch something else."

On the TV the evening news came on. The two anchors were a black haired woman in her forties and a brown haired man of the same age with a Magnum PI style mustache.

The female anchor said "Welcome to WCBN local evening news. I'm Connie Bennet".

The male anchor said "And I'm Ron Richardson. Our first local story involves a problem as old as the city itself. Graffitti...Some people call it art while others call it a public menace. The controversy is as old as the act. From city hall here's Stacy Ruttheimer".

The TV then cut to Stacy standing in front of City Hall.

"Thank you, Ron. Graffitti, some call it vandalsim while others see it as a harmless form of free expression. Today, however, the city has just passed some of it's most stringent ordinances ever."

The TV then cut to a scene inside the city hall building.

A city councilman said "The new ordinance elevates vandalism from a misdemeanor to a felony. This is not art, it is the defacement of property. A graffitti artist is no different from a home invasion robber and now the law will reflect that. The new ordinance mandates a minimum of one year in prison for each offense".

The TV cut back to Stacy.

"The issue remains controversal. Several free speech and civil rights groups have filed legal challenges in both state and federal court on the grounds that the ruling is an unconstitutional violation of civil liberties and an overreach of city power."

The TV now cut to a lawyer.

"This ordinance elevates what is essentially a victimless crime to the same level as theft and assault. We plan to fight this all the way to the Supreme Court.."

It's at this point that Quinn remembered something.

"You know, I saw some interesting graffitti today. Someone spray painted an image of the President kneeling before Vladimir Putin on a building across the street from where we had lunch."

"Really!?" said Timmy.

"Cool!" said Tommy.

Teddy said "No, it's vandalism".

Tommy said "Shut up, brain".

Teddy fired back "Brat".

"Brain."

"Brat."

Quinn intervened.

"BOYS!"

Tommy and Teddy immediately stopped arguing.

Jim said "Your brother's right, Tommy. Granted, I think this new ordinance is too harsh but graffitti is a crime. How would you like it if someone painted something on your stuff?".

"Anyway," said Quinn, who wanted to get back on topic, "It was a pretty good design. Jane's been complaining about not having a lot of inspiration lately but she kept staring at that thing. I think she was pretty inspired".

* * *

**The loading area behind the world famous Plaza Hotel, later that night...**

A shadowy figure was doing something to the wall. This person was wearing black baggy jeans, sheakers and a black hoodie with the hood pulled down far enough to hide his or her face. Next to the person was a gym bag filled with permanent markers and cans of spray paint. What the person was doing to the wall of the building was very interesting. It was a copy of a propagand poster from Nazi Germany. The original poster showed Hitler as a knight in shining armor atop a white steed carrying a red flag with the swastika on it and a caption that read 'Ein Reich, Ein Volke, Ein Furher', which is German for 'One Nation, One People, One Leader'. The difference in this copy the artist was making was that in this version the knight was Donald Trump. The mysterious grafitti artist had just finished up when a police car pulled up.

"HALT! YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR VANDALISM!"

The grafitti artist took his or her bag of supplies and made a run for it. Two cops got out of the car and gave chase as the graffitti artist ran toward a chain link fence seperating the loading docks from a long, winding alley. As the cops gained on him or her the artist threw the bag over the fence and rapidly climbed over. By the time the cops had reached the fence the artist was on the other side. One cop was about to climb the fence when his partner stopped him.

"Hold it! I know where that alley comes out. We can cut him off."

The two cops got back in their car and sped around the block with the siren blaring. Once at the other side of the alley they got out of the car and ran into the alley shining flashlights.

"You sure he came this way?" asked the first cop.

"Positive" said the second, "This is the only way out and he didn't have time to double back".

Shining the flashlights the cops looked for the graffitti artist. As they looked the second cop started to get anxious.

"You sure he didn't double back? I think we should've run into him by now."

The second cop said "He's probably hiding".

The cops looked around. One of them shined his flashlight on a collection of trash bags.

"He's not here."

Without thinking to look closer the cop turned away. Both cops next looked at a dumpster. They approached and opened both lids.

"Nothing in here but garbage."

"Let's check those trash bags again."

Just then a message came on their beepers.

"All available units, suspicoius activity in Central Park."

"Let's go" said one of the cops.

"Yeah" said the other one, "Let's bust a real criminal".

With that, the cops left. As soon as they were gone the grafitti artist emerged from under the trash bags. A few minutes later this person reached the end of the alley. After checking to see that the cops were really gone the artist emerged from the alley and removed her hood. It was Jane.

_Damn, that was one hell of a good rush_ she thought as she made her way back to SoHo.

* * *

**Glenville Mall, a few days later...**

Quinn and Stacy were at the salon getting their nails done.

"Sorry I missed lunch the other day, Quinn" said Stacy.

Quinn said "Don't worry about it, Stacy. Treating me to an afternoon at the spa more than makes up for it".

Stacy asked "How's Jane?".

Quinn said "She's hit a creative roadblock lately. After lunch we saw some graffitti on a nearby building and she wouldn't stop staring at it. It showed Trump bowing before Putin. I think she's jealous".

"Funny you should mention that," said Stacy. "The other night someone did an image of Trump as Hitler on the Plaza Hotel."

Quinn stifled a giggle. "Since he owns the place that's a powerful message."

Stacy said "I bet Jane could get some ideas from that".

"Assuming she's not the one doing it" said Quinn.

Both girls laughed.

Stacy said "Come on. A 37 year old married woman moonlighting as a graffitti artist."

Quinn said "Yeah, that's weird even for her".

Both girls giggled.

* * *

**That evening in the city...**

Daria was walking home from work. As she came down the street she looked frazzled.

_I can't believe that prima donna kept us in a meeting until 9:00 pm. What the hell was the point of it all._

At this point Daria passed by an alley close to her building. Something caught her eye.

_What the hell!?_

A shadowy figure was in the alley painting an ornately decorated phrase on a brick wall. It read:

"Artiste Extraordinnaire"

Daria thought _Is it my imagination, or has Jane influenced a new generation of vandals._

At this point, the shadowy figure looked up and saw Daria. Daria was instantly petrified by this.

"EEP!"

As this person started to move toward Daria she panicked. Turning around to run away Daria lost her footing and fell.

"AH!"

She fell on her back. Before Daria could get up, however, the mysterious vandal was almost on top of her. Daria instantly whipped out a can of pepper spray and sprayed under the person's hood. The person immediately got off of Daria.

"OW! DAMN, THAT STINGS!"

Daria's eyes went wide as she recognized the voice.

"What the Hell!?"

Daria reached up and pulled back the person's hood. It was Jane.

"Dammit, Daria! I wasn't going to attack you! I just wanted to make sure you didn't hurt yourself just now!"

Daria rolled her eyes.

"I should've known."

* * *

**Act II**

**Hells Kitchen, New York City, night...**

Daria had just had a shocking encounter. The graffitti artist she'd spotted turned out to be her BFF Jane. Now, they were in Daria's apartment and Daria was trying to wrap her mind around the fact that Jane has chosen a form of artistic expression that most consider a crime.

"Jane," said Daria, "Have you completely lost your mind?".

"Daria," said Jane, "We live in New York, the graffitti capitol of the civilized world".

Daria said "Jane, as much as I support artistic expression the fact remains that the authorities don't call graffitti art. Their preferred term is vandalism."

"Which neither of us is above," said Jane, "Remember when we defaced that painting in high school?".

"One," said Daria, "That was done out of necessity after. Two, the property we defaced was our own. Three, we were teenagers in high school. You're 37 now, turning 38 in May. You can't use the youthful indiscretion defence. Finally, if you'd been following the news then you know that the city just passed an ordinance that upgrades vandalism to a felony."

Jane shrugged dismissively as she said "Daria, we both know that ordinance won't survive the first court challenge. That's just so the politicians can say 'see, we're tough on crime, vote for us'.".

"True," Daria admitted, "But what's to stop them using you as an example toward that end?".

"Daria," said Jane in a sincere voice, "I was desperate. I needed to do something to get my creative muse back. Seeing that anti-Trump graffitti on the deli in Little Italy inspired me to paint something similar on the Plaza Hotel. Had a run in with the cops while I was at it. Fortunately, these cops weren't the sharpest tools in the shed and I was able to ditch them easily enough. Still, the adrenaline rush was intoxicating. Being on the other side of the law is really charging my creative batteries.".

Daria sighed.

"Please tell me it's out of your system."

"Are you kidding?" said Jane. "I'm just getting started." She noticed the reticent look on Daria's face. "Come on, Daria. You said you'd support me with anything shy of lesbian incest."

Daria said "Jane, I knew you were joking when you suggested Quinn and I lez out for one of your paintings, at least I hope to God you were, but turning a blind eye to this, I just don't know".

Jane said "I don't recall you specifically excluding graffitti from the things you would condone".

Daria sighed.

"Damn loopholes."

* * *

**Casa Carbone, the next day...**

Daria was visiting with Quinn and had just explained what Jane's been up to. Quinn reacted as one would expect.

"WHAT!?"

Daria said "Jane is using graffitti to get her muse back".

Quinn said "Are you kidding me!? She's in her late thirties! Graffitti is something bored teenagers and kids running with gangs do".

Daria said "Quinn, we both know Jane was never one to conform to social norms".

Quinn's initial shock immediately wore off as she realized that Daria did have a point.

"I guess, but has she thought about the consequences. What if she gets nabbed by the cops?"

"She's fully aware of the risk, Quinn," said Daria, "In fact, that seems to be what's energizing her. She's using an adrenaline high to recharge her muse".

"Well," Quinn admitted, "I guess it's similar to that time Jim and I had sex under a pier at the Jersey Shore and got a rush out of the possibility of getting caught doing it in the ocean".

Daria silently shuddered.

"Too much information, Quinn."

Quinn said "Jane's not gonna stop until this bites her in the ass, is she?".

Daria replied "Given her history of going all out it's not likely. I just hope the mess isn't gonna be too much for me to clean up".

"Don't you mean too much for us?" asked Quinn.

Daria said "You don't need to get dragged into this, Quinn".

Quinn said "Daria, we're sisters. You get dragged into something I have to jump right in".

Daria deadpanned "Why weren't you this altruistic back when we were kids?".

With equal deadpan, Quinn said "Like you were?".

Daria flashed that Mona Lisa grin of hers.

"Touche, Quinn. Touche."

Now, Quinn flashes that same half smile.

* * *

**Montage scene...**

**Music:** "Ridin' Dirty" by Chamillionaire

First, a shot of Jane on a rooftop water during the day. She's spraypainting an image of Trent as Wolverine. She signed it with her graffitti tag, 'Artiste Extraordinaire'.

Next, we see Jane sitting on a subway train. She looks around to see if anyone's looking in her direction. Seeing that no one's paying attention to her she whips out a magic marker and writes 'Artiste Extraordinaire' on the seat next to her.

Next, Jane was in an empty parking lot at night. She was spray painting a perfect rendition of SC's Gangsta D. She allowed herself a chuckle at the image of Daria as a ghetto kid with bling before signing it 'Artiste Extraordinaire' in AR Herman phont.

Next, Jane is outside a store in the East Village. She's just put the finishing touches on a recreation of SC's Hoochie Quinn. She signed it with her tag in the same font with which she'd signed Gangsta D.

Next, a bunch of people liiking a Gangsta D in a mix of shock and wonder. Jane was discreetly in the crowd. She loved how her works were attracting admirers.

Next, a similar scene in front of Hoochie Quinn. The difference is that several guys among the onlookers are visibly turned on by the image. In the crowd Jane smirked with smug self-satisfaction.

Next, cops are placing wanted posters. There's no picture but a $500.00 reward is being offered to anyone who provides information leading to the arrest of Artiste Extraordinaire.

After this we see Jane painting a mural in an empty parking lot at night. This is an image of Jane and all her old classmates in urban wear in front of the entrance to Jefferson Lawndale High School. Cut to daytime and we see a crowd of admirers looking at the work.

Next, we see cops posting new wanted posters. The reward is now up to $1,000.000.

Next, a shot of Jane painting an image of Burnout Girl as a surfer on a brick wall. Cut to a shot of new wanted posters going up. The reward has now been bumped up to $5,000.00.

This cuts to a shot of Jane painting and image of Kevin in his old football uniform on the wall of The Guggenheim Museum at night. The image includes a word balloon that reads "I don't need a brain, I'm the QB!". Cut to the next day and we see a crowd of admirers gawking at this latest work.

Final shot is another wanted poster asking for information on the Artiste Extraordinaire. The reward is now $10,000.00.

(**Author's Note:** Most of the art in this montage is by SC. I briefly considered referencing some of CallMePo's works but decided against it since most of his stuff is NSFW.)

* * *

**Jane's Condo in SoHo, day...**

Both Daria and Quinn were paying Quinn a visit at her loft. While Jane works on a painting of herself as an artist beset on all sides by demonic hordes unleashed by Trump and Giuliani she makes conversation with the sisters.

"I can't believe how much this has nourished my creativity" Jane said.

Quinn asked "Does this mean you're done with graffitti?".

Daria added "Or are you taking this all the way to the point where we have to bail you out of jail?".

Laughing, Jane said "Nah, in fact I'm gonna quit while I'm ahead. Now that my muse is back I don't need to use the city as my canvas anymore".

Both Daria and Quinn were visibly relieved to hear this.

"Thank God," said Quinn, "I was so not looking forward to telling Mom that you needed legal help because you were caught doing something we normally associate with bored teenagers".

Daria said "Don't put on the party hat just yet, Quinn. Jane's never been one to go quietly into that good night".

"Ah, Daria," said Jane, "You know me far to well. In fact, that's sort of why I invited you two here. I'm planning one last hurrah".

Daria said "And you're telling us this because..."

Jane said "Because I need you two as accomplices".

Both Daria and Quinn's jaws dropped in response to that one.

Jane explained "We're going to paint the most visible symbol in New York...The bull statue in front of the Stock Exchange...Tonight!".

Quinn said "Are you out of your freaking mind!?".

Daria added "My sister's right, Jane. There's no way to do this without getting caught.".

Jane smirked.

"Unless we do it right. Late at night, wearing clothing that hides our faces from the security cameras. I need you two to serve as lookouts."

Quinn immediately stood up.

"No freaking way am I doing something that crazy. Look, Jane, I consider you a friend but I have a husband, three kids and a successful YouTube career. I'm not gonna jeopardize all of that just to help you make an artistic statement."

Quinn turned to Daria.

"Come on, Daria, let's go. Jane, find someone else to help you in this crazy scheme."

Daria sighed.

"Sorry, Quinn, I can't bow out of this."

Gasping in shock, Quinn said "Daria, are you insane!? We get caught and it's more than just vandalism. This could get us labeled terrorists".

"Quinn," said Daria, "I promised Jane I'd support her in this. While I think this is the street artist equivalent of a suicide mission I feel an obligation to do this despite that". Daria sighed before continuing. "Damn sense of loyalty."

Quinn sighed.

"Fine, I'm in. At least I can use my people skills to get us out of any trouble."

* * *

**A dark alley in Lower Manhattan, late at night...**

Daria, Quinn and Jane were dressed in identical outfits of baggy black sweaters, baggy black sweatpants and sneakers. Quinn's hair was tied into a pony tail and tucked down the back collar of her sweater.

"God," said Quinn, "If any of my viewers see me dressed like this I'd never hear the end of it".

Jane said "That's what the ski-masks are for".

Daria said "I can't believe you're doing this, Jane. I can't believe you talked me and Quinn into doing this".

"Relax," said Jane, "It's late at night. The only way the cops will respond fast enough to stop us is if we try to break into the actual stock exchange and we're not doing that. We're just going to paint the bull statue. We'll be long gone by the time any cops show up. They may canvas the place for a bomb but, since we're not bombing the place in that sense, I fail to see a problem".

"How reassuring" Daria replied in a sarcastic tone.

Quinn said nothing but was clearly trying her best not to freak out.

"Okay," said Jane, "Remember the plan. Daria, you spray 'down with capitalism' on the left side of the bull. Quinn, you spray 'top 1% are so 2007' on the other side and I'll paint Trump's famous comb-over on the bull's head. Got it?".

Both sisters nodded.

"Okay," said Jane, "Masks on".

All three women put on their ski masks. They next made their way out of the alley and across Wall Street. They approached the steps up to the Stock Exchange. Once there they surrounded the bull statue. Jane laid down and opened her bag of supplies. They got to work when...

"MOVE IN!"

Glaring spotlights came on and an army of cops emerged with their guns turned on the three women.

One cop said "Chief was right, a sting operation was perfect".

A second cop said "All three of you are under arrest!".

Daria, Quinn and Jane gulped with dread. They were soooo busted.

* * *

**Act III**

**Wall Street, right in front of the NYSE, midnight...**

Daria, Quinn and Jane were in serious trouble. Before retiring from graffitti Jane wanted to do one last piece by painting the bull statue in front of the New York Stock Exchange. She'd managed to guilt trip Daria and Quinn into joining her. As it turned out, the cops had set a trap and now all three women had spotlights on them and were surrounded by cops. The only upside is they were all wearing ski masks and thus their identities were hidden for the moment. That, however, would change as soon as the cops stripped their masks off.

"Thanks a lot," said Daria, "You've managed to get all three of us arrested".

Jane said "I didn't know they'd want me bad enough to spring a trap. And how was I supposed to know they use my next target as bait? I only told you guys".

The lead cop said "That was a lucky guess". He turned to the three cops who were closest to our trio. "Take off their masks and book 'em!".

Quinn now freaked.

"Oh, God! I'M GOING TO JAIL!"

Before the cops could unmask or cuff them the lights all suddenly went out. The cops were momentarily stunned by this.

"WHAT THE HELL!?" said the lead cop.

Now was their chance.

"RUN!" Jane shouted.

All three women made a break for it while the cops were stunned. The three would be vandals turned down an alley. The cops chased after them.

Jane immediately saw a subway entrance.

"THERE!" she said, "We can lose 'em in the subway".

The three of them ran down the stairs as the cops prusued them. Jane, Daria and Quinn jumped the turnstiles as the cops gained on them. Soon they were on the platform.

"What now!?" asked Quinn.

"I don't know," said Jane, "I'm kinda just winging it".

At this point, Daria heard a rumbling sound coming from the tunnel. This sound was getting closer and closer. Daria saw that there was a smaller platform on the other side of the tracks that led to a maintenance tunnel.

"JUMP!"

Jane immediately jumped across the tracks and on to the opposite platform.

"Your turn!" said Daria as she turned to Quinn.

"B...But..."

Daria pointed to the cops closing in.

"Don't argue, just jump."

Quinn jumped. Once she was across Daria ran to jump across. She didn't make it all the way however and landed on the tracks. Daria looked down the tunnel and saw the train coming. She just stood there like a deer caught in headlights.

"DARIA!" Jane screamed.

This snapped Daria out of her trance like state as she tried to climb out. She'd almost made it when she started to lose her grip.

Running on adrenaline, Quinn grabbed her sister and pulled her up onto the platform just in time to save her from being hit by the train. The cops didn't get there in time to avoid being blocked by the train.

"Thanks, Quinn," said Daria.

Quinn said "Save it until we're out of here".

Jane added "Yeah. We'd better not be here when that train's through".

With that, they ran down a maintenance tunnel. By the time the train had cleared and the cops could continue pursuit Daria, Quinn and Jane were gone.

* * *

**Sometime later...**

Daria, Quinn and Jane were making their way through one of the maintenance tunnels using flashlights to light their way. Now that they'd lost the cops they weren't wearing masks anymore.

"Where are we?" asked Quinn.

Jane said "I don't know. I just know that if we keep going we'll find a way out eventually".

Daria deadpanned "Or run into a society of mutant cannibals who wanna make us their next meal".

Jane quipped "Knowing our luck, they'll probably think Quinn's a goddess and serve us at a feast in her honor".

"Don't worry, Daria," said Quinn, "If that happens I'll make them spare you".

"What about me!?" asked an incredulous Jane.

Quinn said "Since you're the one who got us into this I'll probably let the mutants have their way with you".

Jane rolled her eyes while both Daria and Quinn smirked that famous half smile.

At this point, the three of them came out into a station. The exits were boarded up and the place was covered in graffitti and looked like it hadn't been maintained in a very long time.

"How nice," Daria deadpanned, "You've led us to and abandoned line with no way out".

Quinn tried to be optimistic.

"We can turn back and head out that way."

Daria said "And run into the cops. No thanks.".

"Come on, Daria," said Quinn, "They're probably long gone by now".

Jane said "Or they know we went into an abandoned line and are waiting for us to turn back".

"Great," said Daria, "We can either stay here and starve to death or turn around and get arrested".

"Or," said Quinn as she pointed down the abandoned tunnel, "We can keep going. Maybe the tunnel leads to a way out".

Daria said "For all we know that could be just a dead end".

Quinn said "Look, it's a possibility. We either stay here and die a slow death or we turn around and get arrested. At least if we keep pushing ahead we have a chance".

Jane smirked.

"The Queen of Memes has a point, Daria."

Daria sighed as she admitted that forging ahead was the best option.

"Fine, let's go."

With that, the three of them made their way down the abandoned tunnel.

* * *

**Later...**

The three of them were now dismayed as they'd reached a dead end.

Scowling at her sister, Daria said "Nice job, Quinn. There's no way out".

"HEY!" Quinn snapped, "At least I had an idea. If it'd been up to you we would've just huddled up in that abandoned station until we starved to death".

"HEY!" Jane snapped at Quinn, "Don't get on her case".

Daria snarled "And don't you come to my defense, Jane. It's your fault we're even in this mess to begin with".

"HEY!" Jane shouted "I didn't ask you two to tag along!".

"Yes, you did," Quinn fired back, "And when we said no you guilt tripped us until we said yes!".

Daria added "And then you led us into a labrynth.."

"BECAUSE THE COPS WERE CHASING US!" Jane said.

"BECAUSE YOU MADE US HELP YOU DO SOMETHING ILLEGAL!" Quinn fired off.

Daria turned to Quinn and snapped "AND THEN YOU HAD THE BRIGHT IDEA TO LEAD US DOWN HERE!"

Quinn fired back "BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANNA JUST WAIT TO DIE OR TURN AROUND AND GET ARRESTED!".

Jane said "BECAUSE THE THREE OF US DYING IN AN ABANDONED SUBWAY TUNNEL IS SO MUCH BETTER!"

Daria shouted "WHICH WE COULD'VE AVOIDED IF YOU'D NOT GOTTEN INTO GRAFFITTI IN THE FIRST PLACE! DAMMIT, JANE, YOU ALWAYS DO THIS! YOU GET SOME CRAZY IDEA AND DRAG THE REST OF US ALONG FOR THE RIDE! NO WONDER YOU DON'T HAVE ANY OTHER FRIENDS!"

That last one stepped on a VERY raw nerve.

"YOU TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW, DARIA!" Jane yelled.

"NEVER!" Daria shouted.

Jane said "FUCK YOU, YOU JUDGEMENTAL BITCH!".

"HEY!" Quinn yelled, "DON'T CALL MY SISTER A BITCH!".

Jane turned her wrath on Quinn.

"AND YOU STOP PRETENDING YOU GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ANYONE BUT YOURSELF!"

That took Quinn's anger to critical mass.

"You...FUCKING BITCH!"

Quinn immediately lunged at Jane and a catfight ensued. Daria was about to join in when...

"Ummm...What are you three doing down here?"

Daria looked and gasped in shock while the familiar voice caused Jane and Quinn to stop beating each other up.

"TRENT!?" exclaimed a very shocked Jane.

Trent stood there and shrugged.

"Um...I heard some comotion. What are you three doing down here?"

Daria said "I could ask you the same question".

Trent explained "There's an abandoned underground rail yard right above us that my band uses as a practice space". Trent reveales the open door right behind him. "This way."

The three women are stunned.

"How did we not notice that before?" Daria asked.

* * *

**Casa Carbone, the following evening...**

Quinn and her husband, Jim, were watching the evening news. On the TV was Stacy.

"And with the new anti-graffitti ordinance tied up in litigation the NYPD has decided to end the crackdown as both City Hall and Police Plaza feel the resources are best used elsewhere. Stacy Ruttheimer, WCBN Evening News."

Jim turned to Quinn.

"So you three were stranded down there all night?"

Quinn said "Yeah. It's a good thing we started yelling right under one of Mystik Explosion's practice spaces. We'd still be stuck down there otherwise".

Jim asked "Why didn't you call? I could've tracked your smartphone with mine".

"Underground," said Quinn, "No bars".

"Makes sense" said Jim. "So, I guess this means Jane's graffitti artist days are over."

Quinn nodded. "After we exchanged apologies for the things we said while angry Jane decided it's not worth all the hassle." At this point something occurred to Quinn. "What I don't get is how it was all those lights the cops had on us suddenly went out."

Jim said "Either a stroke of good luck or you have a guardian angel".

Laughing, Quinn said "You know I don't buy that anymore. Although, if someone did make those lights go out I'd like to know who so I can thank them".

Jim said "Well, whoever it was probably knows you're greatful".

"Assuming it wasn't just luck."

Jim then stood up.

"Anyway, I'm gonna be in the garage. I wanna get a head start on my next car video."

With that, Jim made his way to the garage.

* * *

**The garage, a short time later...**

Jim pulled a pair of cable cutters out of a drawer and looked at them. As he stared at the tool he remembered...

**The previous night...**

Jim was on the phone recieving a call from Quinn informing him that she had to spend the night at Jane's. Jim visibly wasn't buying the excuse Quinn gave him.

**SoHo, later that same night...**

Quinn, Daria and Jane were exiting Jane's building all dressed in black. They didn't notice Jim's Camaro parked nearby.

**The financial district, later...**

Jim had discreetly followed the three and noticed police hiding around the place.

**Later still...**

As Quinn, Daria and Jane are about to be unmasked by the cops Jim discreetly cuts the wire connecting the lights to the switchboard.

**The next morning...**

Looking at the cable cutters Jim allowed himself a smug grin before putting the cutters back in the drawer.

**The End.**

* * *

**Next Time**

Daria stays with Quinn and Jim while her apartment's being fumigated.


	4. Naked Eyes

**Opening Montage**

**Music:** "You're Standing On My Neck"

First, we see Quinn and her husband, Jim, driving a moving van toward New York City. This is followed by a shot of the Carbones and Ruttheimers having a joyous reunion in front of a new house on Long Island. Next, we see Quinn and Daria walking in Central Park. Quinn throws some popcorn to some happy, hungry squirrels. Daria does the same thing, but the squirrels run from her as if she were a monster. Next, we see Jim and Chuck talking with some neighbors. Afterwards, we see Quinn and Stacy mingle at a party while Daria and Jane stand off to the side and make snarky comments. Next, we see Daria and Quinn on the beach at Coney island. A bunch of studly guys start chatting up Quinn. When a fight breaks out both Quinn and Daria look dismayed. This is followed by a shot of Quinn and Daria walking down the street. As someone is mugged in front of them Quinn is about to interfere until Daria dissuades her. Next, we see Quinn and Jim on a double date with Daria and a guy. The guy pays more attention to Quinn than Daria. This makes Jim visibly jealous. When a fight breaks out, both Daria and Quinn smirk that famous Mona Lisa smile. After this, we see a pink background with both Quinn and Daria's heads in a circle. Below them is the following caption...

**Daria and Quinn**

**in**

**"Naked Eyes"**

**written by**

**WildDogJJ**

(**Author's note:** While The events of canon _Daria_ as well as my spin off series _Quinn_ happened in this continuity, the event's of _Life After Thirty_ did not. Therefore, Daria never had cancer or a hysterectomy. She has all of her parts and they're all working fine. I mention this because some events make more sense if you keep that in mind.)

**Daria's apartment in Hells Kitchen, evening...**

Daria was sitting on the couch writing on her laptop. Her cat, Godzilla, was curled up next to her. Something seemed to grab the cat's attention as he suddenly scurried off of the couch and onto the floor. Daria was too busy with her writing to notice the way Godzilla was moving. Godzilla's movements were slow and methodical, as if he were stalking something. Daria continued to type on her laptop, oblivious to what was going on until...

"HISSSSSSSSSSS!"

"SQUEAK!"

These noises were followed by the sounds of a struggle. Daria stopped typing and looked up.

"Godzilla, what the hell are you doing!?"

Daria's only answer was the sound of a small animal's final, agonized squeak of pain. Seconds later, Godzilla approached with blood on his paws and a dead rat in his mouth. The black and white cat dropped his kill at Daria's feet and proceeded to look at her as if expecting a reward. Daria sighed as she went to get a pair of latex gloves and a plastic bag from the kitchen.

_How the hell did a rat get in here?_ she thought as she picked the dead rodent up and took it to the trash can for disposal. After dumping the dead rat, along with her gloves and bag, she proceeded to the sink to wash her hands. That's when she noticed something in the sink.

_Flies! What the Hell!?_

Thinking nothing more of it Daria proceeded to wash her hands. Once that was done she turned and noticed Godzilla chasing another rat. Her eyes went wide.

_You'd think I never cleaned!_

Godzilla chased this second rat into the bathroom. Daria followed and gasped in horror at what she saw. Cockroaches were emerging from the sink, bathtub and toilet in massive numbers. Not only that, but there were rodent droppings all over the floor.

_Gross!_

Daria sighed. She knew what this meant.

* * *

**Mystik Bar and Grille, Queens, the following evening...**

Daria, Jane, Quinn and Stacy were at the bar. Quinn and Stacy were each sipping a Cosmo while Daria nursed a bourbon on the rocks and Jane a glass of cheap red wine.

Daria said "...and it turns out the whole building's infested because one of my neighbors was breeding insects in his place and they got loose. At the same time another one of my neighbors was just letting his trash pile up and that's what attracted all the rats".

"Ewww!" exclaimed Quinn.

"Cool!" said Jane.

Daria deadpanned "Until they start spreading diseases among the tenants".

Stacy asked "What's the super doing about it?".

Daria said "We all have to move out for a week while they fumigate the whole building". At this point, Daria turned to Jane. "You up for having a temporary roommate?"

"No can do, amiga," said Jane, "Alan's coming home tomorrow and we need some privacy while we make up for lost time, if you know what I mean".

"I wish I didn't" said Daria.

Quinn said "Daria, we have a spare bedroom at my place. You're more than welcome to stay with us".

Daria said "I don't wanna impose".

Quinn waved her hand dismissively.

"It's no trouble at all, sis. Jim won't mind and the boys love having you around."

Daria said "The problem is that I have a cat and you have a dog".

"So?" asked Quinn.

"So," said Daria, "You think Stripe's gonna like sharing the house with Godzilla? Also, consider that Stripe's a greyhound".

Quinn said "That dog's a slave to Jim's every whim. He can get Stripe to leave Godzilla alone easily".

Stacy said "You can room with us if you're that uncomfortable. Q thinks you're weird but you and Chucky seem to be on a similar wavelength".

Daria said "As much as I relish a chance to corrupt your kids, Stacy, there's one big deal breaker, your husband".

Stacy asked "What about him?".

Daria explained "It's nothing personal, but I just can't get over the fact that your husband used to be Upchuck".

Stacy sighed.

"You know he's not like that anymore, right?"

Daria said "Sorry, but I heard 'Grrr...feisty' too many times to get the image out of my head".

Stacy thought for a second.

"I see your point."

"So, it's settled," said Quinn, "Daria, you're staying with us".

* * *

**Casa Carbone, Long Island, a few evenings later...**

Quinn, Jim, Daria and the three T's were at the kitchen table eating dinner. The concerns about having both a dog and a cat turned out to be overblown. After some initial discomfort Stripe and Godzilla hit it off. Now, the beige greyhound with black stripes was laying on the floor being groomed by the black and white cat and loving every minute of it.

"Aunt Daria," said Timmy, "How long are you staying?".

Daria said "Two weeks, unless Hell freezes over".

Tommy said "I can live with that".

Quinn and Jim both stared daggers at Tommy.

"What?" said the eight year old, "Aunt Daria weirds me out".

Daria deadpanned "Way to make me feel welcome".

Quinn scolded Tommy.

"Tommy, you apologize right now!"

Tommy whined "But, Mom..."

Both Quinn and Jim gave their son a VERY stern look.

"Sorry, Aunt Daria."

Teddy dryly remarked "See what I have to deal with".

Daria said to him "Your mother was the exact same way at his age".

Quinn blushed with embarrassment. She had to admit that Tommy and Teddy were basically male versions of her and Daria. Hopefully, they'd outgrow their animosity just as she and Daria had done.

Wanting to change the subject, Jim asked "So, boys, how was school today?".

Tommy said "The school bully tried to pick on Timmy at recess for being fat".

"Timmy," Quinn asked, "Is this true?".

Timmy nodded.

"Yeah, but Tommy helped me out."

Tommy said "Yeah, I reminded the bully that Timmy's my brother and messing with him was messing with me".

Daria said "If only you'd stood up for me like that, Quinn".

Quinn said "Daria, I didn't know any better".

Smirking, Daria said "Relax, Quinn. Tommy's not claiming to be an only child so I guess you're doing something right".

Quinn smiled.

"Thanks."

Tommy said "So, anyway, the bully stopped picking on Timmy and went after Teddy instead".

Jim asked "Did you help Teddy too?".

Tommy said "Are you crazy, Dad? I stick up for Teddy and the whole school will turn against me!".

Timmy said "Yeah, when that guy started making fun of Teddy Tommy joined in. I did too".

Daria smirked.

"I stand corrected."

* * *

**The next day...**

Daria woke up in the guest bed. She put on her glasses and her eyes went wide with shock.

_What the Hell!?_

She instantly calmed down.

_Right! My place is being fumigated._

* * *

**The kitchen, a short time later...**

Daria was in her bath robe making some coffee when Teddy came in.

"Morning, Aunt Daria" said Teddy.

Daria said "Good morning, Teddy. Where is everybody?".

Teddy said "Mom's having breakfast with a potential sponsor for her YouTube channel, Dad's at the store, Tommy's riding his bike and Timmy's sleeping in".

As Daria sat down and had her coffee she and Teddy made conversation.

"So," said Daria, "Your brother's helped a bully pick on you at school yesterday?".

Sighing, Teddy said "Story of my life. Tommy's so image conscious he claims that only Timmy's his brother and I'm a distant cousin. I only have one friend, Rachel, and she has no friends".

Daria said "Sounds like my childhood. Your mother was a popularity obsessed diva as a kid while I was a loner and a brain. Everyone thought I was a weirdo and your mother was so embarrassed that she claimed to be an only child".

Not entirely believing it, Teddy said "But you and Mom get along so well?".

Daria said "It took a long time for us to get to that point. As kids we couldn't stand each other".

Teddy asked "What happened?".

"We both grew up," Daria answered. "Your mother eventually realized how stupid it is to be a shallow diva just so people will like you. At the same time I learned to accept that my standards for other people were unrealistically high. Once we both stopped looking at the superficial your mother and I came to realize that we're a lot more alike than people think. I started opening up to more people while your mother started to embrace her true depth. Eventually she even proudly declared in front of all her friends that we are, in fact, sisters. Ironically, it turned out that all of her friends knew and just never said anything about it".

Teddy gave his aunt a questioning look.

Daria said "I guess I'm trying to say don't wall yourself off. True, most people are selfish assholes but you'd be surprised how many actually aren't like that. I wish someone had told me that when I was your age. Basically, it gets better".

Teddy looked thoughtful.

Taking a final sip of her coffee, Daria said "Well, that's enough life philosophy for one morning. I'm gonna take a shower".

With that, Daria left as Teddy appeared to be deep in thought.

* * *

**Upstairs, a short time later...**

Carrying a change of clothes Daria knocked on the bathroom door.

From inside, Timmy shouted "Occupied!".

Daria asked "How long are you gonna be?"

Timmy said "I don't know. I'm dropping a big one".

Daria said "Too much information, Teddy".

Daria then turned and walked away.

_Quinn and Jim are out. I'll just use their bathroom._

* * *

**Outside, a short time later...**

Jim pulled his Camaro into the garage and entered the house.

* * *

**The kitchen, a short time after that...**

Jim finished putting groceries in the fridge. After this, he got himself a bottle of gatorade. As he took a huge gulp he suddenly spilled some on his shirt.

"DAMMIT!"

Looking at the stain Jim sighed and made his way to the laundry room. He took his shirt off and put it in with the dirty laundry.

* * *

**The master bedroom, a short time later...**

A now shirtless Jim entered the bedroom to get a fresh shirt. He heard the shower running in the master bedroom.

_Quinn's back from her meeting. I hope it went well. A sponsorship from Amazon would be a goldmine for us._

Jim now grinned as he got an idea.

_No one else seems to be home. Maybe I'll join her._

Jim began to undress with the intention of joining his wife in the shower.

* * *

**Meanwhile, in the master bathroom...**

Daria was washing herself in the shower unaware that Jim was undressing in the next room. She didn't see the bathroom door open, nor did she see a now totally naked Jim enter.

Jim smiled as he walked toward the shower. With the curtain drawn he could only see that a woman was in ther. Jim thought the woman was Quinn.

_A little shower sex is just what Quinn and I need._

In the shower Daria continued to wash herself unaware that her brother-in-law thought Quinn was the one in the shower and was getting ready to hop in.

Pulling back the curtain, Jim said "Hey, Quinn..."

His jaw dropped at the sight of a naked Daria.

"GAH!"

Daria turned to see a naked Jim standing there.

"AAAHHHH!"

In a panic, Jim immediately turned and ran out of there.

* * *

**Act II**

**Casa Carbone, day...**

A nervous Jim was sitting at the kitchen table looking like he'd just been beaten up. When he accidentally walked in on Daria taking a shower he'd panicked and run off. As he did he'd hastily picked up his clothes and just as hastily put them on, which caused him to fall down the stairs. Now, his clothes and hair were a mess and he was covered in bruises. The only upside is that he didn't break anything. Now he was nervously drinking Jack Daniels straight out of the bottle in a desperate attempt to calm himself down.

"Jim?"

The sound of Daria's voice startled Jim and he came close to spilling the whiskey.

"GAH...uh...Hey, Daria...um..."

Daria, now freshly washed and fully clothed, sat down at the table and tried to reason with her brother-in-law.

"Look, Jim, about what just happened..."

Jim said "It was an accident, I swear on my mother! I thought Quinn was back from her meeting with the ad execs from Amazon and taking a shower. I was naked because I thought you were her and was planning to join her in the shower!"

Smirking, Daria said "That explains both the nudity and the very impressive erection".

Jim blushed and wished he could become invisible.

"Look," said Daria, "It was an honest mistake, nothing more. Um...I should probably explain why I was in your shower".

Regaining his composure, Jim said "Yeah, why were you in there? Why didn't you use the other shower?".

Daria said "Timmy was in the bathroom and wasn't sure how much longer he'd be in there. I figured since you and Quinn weren't home I'd just use your shower real quick and be out by the time either of you got back. Sorry about that.".

Jim said "Sorry I walked in like I did. I didn't freak you out too badly, did I?".

Shaking her head, Daria said "Once the initial shock wore off it was no big deal. I should've just waited until Timmy was done". At this point, something occured to Daria. "What makes you think I'd be upset with you?"

Jim explained. "Daria, you were naked and wet and suddenly a naked man with a hard on opened the curtain."

Daria said "Jim, I was in the shower you and Quinn use. You were expecting to get in with your wife. By the way, I can see why Quinn's still head over heels for you after fifteen years. That's a pretty impressive instrument you have".

Simultaneously flattered and unnerved, Jim said "We have more important things to talk about than the size of my dick".

Blushing, Daria said "Sorry. Inappropriate humor is my preferred coping mechanism".

Jim now looked serious.

"Um...Daria?"

"Yes?"

Jim said "Could we maybe not tell Quinn about this".

Daria rolled her eyes.

"Jim, it was an honest mistake. It's not like we have anything to hide."

Jim clearly did not see it that way.

"Daria, what if Quinn gets jealous? What if she gets it in her head that I tried to peep in on her sister? Or worse, what if she thinks you're trying to seduce her husband?"

"Jim," said Daria, "You can't seriously think that'll be her reaction!?".

Jim said "Well, you do have a pretty hot body". _JIM, YOU FUCKING MORON! NOW SHE'S GONNA THINK YOU WERE TRYING TO HOOK UP WITH HER!_

Blushing, Daria said "As flattered as I am by that comment and as physically attractive as you may or may not be there is no way I'd ever try to put moves on my sister's husband".

Jim said "And I'd never cheat on my wife, and CERTAINLY not with her own sister. I just think it'd be better if we pretend the shower thing never happened".

_I don't believe this_ Daria thought as she said "Jim, it was an accident. You're getting all worked up over nothing. Besides, when Quinn sees you covered in bruises she's gonna wonder what happened".

Jim said "Daria, just promise me you won't tell her".

Daria looked hesitant. Seized by panic, Jim grabbed her wrists and got right in her face.

"PROMISE ME!"

A little freaked, Daria said "Alright, alright! I promise I won't tell Quinn what happened!".

Letting go of Daria's wrists, a visibly relieved Jim said "Thanks".

Daria rolled her eyes as she thought in a sarcastic tone _Oh, yeah! This won't come back and bite both of our asses._

* * *

**Haus von Ruttheimer, later that day...**

Quinn, Daria and Jim were visiting with Chuck and Stacy at their house, which was right next door to Casa Carbone. As they sat in the living room drinking tea Jim was explaining away all the bruises.

"...so I tripped and fell down the stairs."

Quinn said "Thank God you didn't break anything. Stacy, remember when Sandi fell down the stairs at her house?".

Stacy said "Yeah. She was in that cast for a month and gained so much wieght she had to temporarily resign from the Fashion Club".

Daria said "You know, Jane and I had a bet that the Fashion Club wouldn't survive without Sandi and Quinn in it. I bet that the club would continue and Jane bet that it'd crash and burn".

Stacy said "It almost did. Tiffany and I tried to keep it going but she was so useless that I was pretty much doing everything myself".

"I know," said Daria, "Jane and I were there when you unloaded on her. The sad thing is I don't think Tiffany even noticed how mad you were".

Wanting to change the subject, Quinn said "So, Daria, what were you up to while I was gone?".

Daria said "Timmy was tying up the upstairs bathroom so I had to use your shower. Sorry about that, also..."

Jim immediately interrupted.

"Did you hear me fall down the stairs!?"

Daria looked at Jim and sighed. She decided now was most certainly NOT the time to come clean about the incident.

"Um...Yeah...I..uh...I did. Um...I found Jim at the bottom of the stairs after I'd gotten dressed."

Quinn, Chuck and Stacy seemed to buy this while Jim breathed a huge sigh of relief.

"Yeah!" said Jim. "Um...That's exactly what happened."

Daria smirked. While she wasn't going to out Jim she was going to have a little fun making him squirm.

"Well, it could've been worse. Jim could've walked in and seen me naked."

While Quinn, Stacy and Chuck laughed Jim looked like he was about to have a heart attack.

"Good thing that DIDN'T happen!" he snarled.

Forgetting his manners, Chuck said "I used to fantasize about just such a scenario in high school. Grrr...feisty!".

"Chuck!" Stacy scolded.

Chuck said "Sorry, habit".

At this point, Chuck and Stacy's son walked by. Ten year old Charles Ruttheimer the Fourth, aka Chucky, had his father's red hair and freckles. Unlike Chuck, however, Chucky's hair was long and shaggy. Rather than the lecherous grin his father sported in his youth Chucky's face always had a neuteral expression and he spoke in a dry monotone that sounded like Butt-Head minus the moronic laughter. He immediately spoke to both Chuck and Jim.

"You fantasize about Miss Morgendorffer's boobs."

With that, Chucky continued on his way. Jim and Chuck both blushed with embarrassment.

* * *

**Casa Carbone, night...**

It was late and everyone in the house was asleep. Jim suddenly woke up. He heard the shower running in the master bathroom.

_What the Hell!?_

He looked over to see Quinn sleeping soundly next to him. This did not reassure him.

_If she's here, then who's in our shower?_

Jim got out of bed and made his way to the bathroom to investigate. As he entered the master bathroom he noticed that not only were the lights on but someone was in the shower.

_What the...!?_

Jim made his way to the shower to investigate. Suddenly, whoever was in the shower began to draw the curtain back. Jim reached over to the toilet and picked up the plunger, intending to use it to brain whoever this intruder was.

The curtain came back and Jim gasped in shock. Standing there was a totally naked Daria with a seductive grin on her face.

"Hey, Jim" she said in a sensual voice.

"Daria, what the hell are you doing?"

Daria said "Come on, Jim. There's room in here for both of us".

Jim nervously said "My wife, your sister, is asleep in the next room".

Daria seductively slinked toward Jim.

"Come on, Jim," she purred, "You know you want this. Quinn won't ever know. I put a sedative in her drink before she went to bed. An explosion wouldn't wake her".

Jim said "Daria, we can't".

Daria asked "Then why are you naked?".

Jim looked down and discovered, to his shock, that he was indeed naked. He didn't remember taking his sleepwear off.

Daria sensuously placed her hands on Jim's shoulders. He could feel the electricity between them.

"Come on, Jim," she purred, "We both want it".

Before Jim could say anything Daria pulled him into a deep, passionate kiss.

"WHAT THE HELL!?"

Jim and Daria looked to find Quinn standing in the door.

"QUINN!" Jim exclaimed, "THIS ISN'T WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!".

Quinn shouted "MY HUSBAND IS CHEATING ON ME!? WITH MY SISTER!?"

Daria said "He's hot, Quinn. He wants me and I want him".

Quinn looked at her husband and her sister with murderous rage in her eyes.

"HOW FUCKING DARE YOU!"

She lunged at them and clawed both of their faces off.

**At that very moment in the bedroom...**

Jim woke up with a start.

"GAH!"

He looked around and immediately started to calm down.

_Just a dream! Thank God!_

Jim's scream woke Quinn up.

"Mmm..._yawn_...Something wrong, Jim?"

Jim said "Nothing, I just had a really bad dream".

Quinn slid a hand under the covers and grabbed...something.

With a smirk, Quinn said "It couldn't have been that bad. You're pretty excited".

Nervous, Jim said "Um...See, I dreamt someone was in the shower...um...YOU!...yes...I dreamt you were in the shower. I joined you. The scream...um...I dreamt we were interrupted by...um...the kids...Yes, I dreamt the kids walked in on us doing it in the shower".

Quinn smiled. In a seductive tone, she said "Poor boy. Since we're both up why don't I take care of you".

Quinn immediately disappeared under the covers. Jim loved what she did to him while down there. Once finished, and remaining under the covers, Quinn asked her husband "How was that, babe?".

"Incerdible," said Jim, "That's the best I ever got".

Jim rolled back the covers and recieved the shock of his life. It wasn't Quinn who was down there, but Daria.

"GAH!"

Daria said "Thanks. I love using my mouth".

**The master bedroom (the real one), at that moment...**

Jim woke up with a start.

"GAH!"

This woke up Quinn.

"J..._yawn_...Jim?"

Jim was visibly relieved to see that it was Quinn and not Daria.

"Is something wrong?" Quinn asked.

"Nothing," said Jim, "Just a bad dream. Go back to sleep".

Quinn returned to sleep. Jim didn't sleep again for the rest of the night.

* * *

**The next morning...**

Daria, Quinn, Jim and the boys were having breakfast in the kitchen. Jim looked like death run over twice.

"You look like hell, Jim" Daria commented.

Nodding, Quinn said "You couldn't get back to sleep after that dream, could you?".

Jim meekly said "Yeah".

Daria said "That must've been some nightmare".

Quinn asked "What did you dream about last night, if you don't mind my asking?'.

Daria said "Probably a sex dream".

Suddenly alert, Jim said "NO!".

Everyone looked questioningly at him.

Jim, desperate for an out, looked at his watch and said "Oh, my, look at the time. I...um...I need to...um...visit Uncle Vito! Yeah, that's right! I was gonna visit Uncle Vito at his place in the city and I'm late. Um...Later!".

Jim hurriedly ran out of there. After a few seconds his voice came from the garage.

"DAMMIT!"

A few seconds later, Jim came back in and took the keys to his Camaro off the rack.

"Forgot my keys!"

He immediately left without another word.

Once he was gone, Timmy asked "Mom, what's wrong with Dad?".

Tommy said "Yeah, he's acting weirder than usual".

Teddy added "I hate to agree with the wannabe rock star, but he's right. What's with Dad?".

Quinn said "I don't know. He was acting weird all of yesterday too".

Daria sighed. She was about to speak but thought better of it.

_Probably not a good idea to bring it up in front of the kids._ "Whatever it is I'm sure he'll tell us when he's ready." _This is ridiculous. He's making a big deal out of a simple mistake._

Changing the subject, Quinn said "You know, I've wanted to try some of the restaurants around here. Stacy told me about this nice Mexican place in Queens. She wants us all to go there with her, Chuck and their kids tomorrow night. What do you guys say?".

The boys said nothing but were visibly excited.

Daria said "Sure, why not".

"Great," said Quinn, "I'll tell Jim when he gets back".

With that, they continued to eat breakfast.

* * *

**That evening...**

Everyone in the house was asleep once again. Daria was tossing and turning in her bed. As she did this she also spoke in her sleep.

"mmmm...yeah...ohhh..."

Daria began to thrash more intensely.

"Yes...oh, right there...yes..."

She started bucking in her sleep.

"Oh...baby...yes..."

She bucked more ferociously.

"Oh...yes...Jim...yes...right there...Jim...giveittome...Jim...ahhhhhh..."

Daria suddenly woke up with a start. She looked around to find she was fully dressed and alone.

_Did I just have a sex dream about my sister's husband!?_

Daria frowned and sighed.

_Crap._

* * *

**Act III**

**Mystik Bar and Grille, day...**

Daria was seated at the bar. Trent walked up to her.

"Hey, Daria. Um...What are you doing here?"

Daria said "I'm feeling a little weirded out over something that happened the other day. I just needed some alone time".

Not pressing the issue, Trent asked "What'll it be? Soda?".

Daria shook her head. "Jack on the rocks".

Trent's eyes went wide.

"It's a little early for that, isn't it?"

"Trust me," said Daria, "After the last few days I really need a stiff drink".

Trent shrugged as he said "Okay".

He immediately served Daria her drink. As she took a sip Trent just stood there and looked at her.

"You wanna talk about it?"

Daria looked up at Trent.

"No."

Trent pretended to stare off into space.

"Okay, fine," said Daria. "The other day I was taking a shower and Jim accidently walked in on me."

Trent said "Oh, yeah. I hate when that happens".

Daria said "It doesn't help that Jim's afraid to tell Quinn about it".

"Why?" asked Trent.

Daria said "Because he's afraid Quinn will get the wrong idea and get jealous".

Scratching his chin, Trent said "Yeah, I can see that. Guys are visually stimulated and accidentally seeing you naked probably turned him on. It happens, it's a normal reaction".

Daria sighed. "It doesn't help that last night I had a sex dream about him."

"Whoa!" said Trent. "I can see why you're weirded out."

Suddenly defensive, Daria said "I'm not trying to seduce my sister's husband".

Trent said "I didn't say you were. Frankly, Jim's probably having similar dreams about you and that's what's freaking him out".

Daria said "So, what do I do?".

Trent said "Nothing. This is just an awkward situation that'll probably fizzle out on it's own. If Jim's having sex dreams about you it's just a natural reaction to seeing you naked. He really doesn't strike me as the type of man who'd cheat on his wife".

Daria took another sip of her drink.

"Makes sense. What about my sex dreams?"

Trent asked "That's weird, since he saw you naked, not the other way around?".

Blushing slightly, Daria admitted "I saw him naked too".

Trent's eyes went wide.

"Whoa! What!?"

Daria sighed. "I was using the shower in the master bathroom because the upstairs bathroom was occupied. Jim came home and thought I was Quinn."

Trent immediately understood. "He was planning to have shower sex with his wife."

Daria nodded. "He was just as freaked to find it was me as I was by the intrusion."

"Here's what I think is going on," said Trent. "You and Jim accidentally saw each other naked. Jim was anticipating a sexy shower with his wife and that unsated lust is manifesting itself in his sex dreams."

Daria added "If he's having sex dreams. I'm just going on a hunch since Jim's hardly slept since then".

Trent said "He probably is having sex dreams about you and is afraid they mean he actually wants to do it with you".

Daria asked "What about my sex dreams?".

Trent said "Jim's presence in those dreams is incidental. Is one of your fantasies being surprised by a lover in the shower?".

Daria visibly doesn't know whether to slug Trent of die of embarrassment.

Trent said "I'd say yes. Basically, your imagination's running wild. I wouldn't worry about it. They're just dreams, nothing more".

Daria now visibly felt better.

"Thanks, Trent."

"No problem, Daria."

* * *

**Julio's Mexican Restaurant, evening...**

Daria, the Carbones and the Ruttheimers were all seated at a table. They all appear to be having fun. All except Jim, that is. He's nervous as hell.

_Oh, man!_ Jim thought, _First I accidentally walk in on Daria taking a shower. Then I start having sex dreams about her. This couldn't be more awkward if it tried._

Quinn, meanwhile, said "This place is great, Stacy".

Smiling, Stacy said "Thanks, Quinn".

Daria, meanwhile, was deep in thought.

_I can't believe this. That conversation with Trent helped put things into perspective, but I hate keeping something like this a secret from Quinn. She doesn't need to know about my sex dreams but Jim really should tell her that he accidentally walked in on me taking a shower._

Daria immediately faced Jim. "Jim, how are you holding up?"

Nervous, Jim said "Um...Fine...Just fine!".

Daria, not wanting to make a scene, explained "I only ask because you've been off these last few days. More bad dreams?".

_You have no idea_ Jim thought as he said "Nope...Not since that night! No more nightmares!".

Daria asked "What about the night before last?".

Quinn said "Yeah, Jim. You never did tell us what you dreamed about".

The kids joined in.

"Come on, Dad," said Timmy.

"Yeah," Tommy added, "We wanna know!".

Daria said "I can guess".

Jim immediately changed the subject.

"So, Chuck, how have you been, old buddy, old pal?"

Chuck said "Good. Feisty IT just had it's best quarter ever".

Jim said "By the way, Quinn, did we land that deal with Amazon?".

Quinn said "They'll tell us next week. Can we talk about something other than business?".

"Yeah," said Tommy, "That's boring".

Daria sighed. _Enough's enough._ "Look, the other day, Quinn, while you were meeting with the Amazon execs..."

At this point, a song played on the jukebox.

**Music: **"La Cuccaracha"

Daria deadpanned "Yeah, that'll help me forget about the infestation at my apartment. At least I was able to forget when Jim..."

Desperate for an out, Jim blurted "Hey, Quinn, they're playing our song!".

Puzzled, Quinn said "Jim, we don't have a song".

Standing up, Jim said "We do now! Let's dance!"

Quinn said "I'd rather our song be something more romantic than 'La Cuccaracha'".

Jim said "Come on".

Dancing badly, Jim sang along.

"La Cuccaracha, La Cuccaracha

What a great and happy song."

Daria sighed. Enough was DEFINITELY enough at this point.

"Quinn, Jim walked in on me taking a shower the other day."

Jim was so panicked that he continued to sing.

"I didn't mean to

I thought it was you."

Everyone frowned as Jim continued to make a fool of himself.

Chucky added his usual color commentary.

"You saw your wife's sister naked."

Everyone stared daggers at little Chucky.

* * *

**Casa Carbone, later that evening...**

Daria, Quinn and Jim had just arrived home. Jim looked miserable while Quinn looked pissed.

"Quinn," said Daria, "I only used your shower because the other one wasn't available".

Quinn said "Relax, Daria. I'm not upset with you".

Daria asked "Then why did you insist the boys sleep over at Chuck and Stacy's tonight?".

Quinn said "Because Jim and I need to have a serious talk".

Taking the hint, Daria said "I'll give you two some privacy".

With that, Daria made her way to the living room.

Turning to Jim, Quinn growled "Jim, I'm going to use the bathroom. When I come out I expect you to be waiting for me right outside the door".

Quinn angrily made her way upstairs while Jim gulped with dread.

* * *

**The master bedroom, a short time later...**

Jim sat on the edge of the bed looking like a condemned man awaiting his execution. Quinn emerged from the bathroom in a and scowled at her husband.

"Okay, Jim. Start explaining yourself!"

Jim sighed.

"I came home from the store and accidentally spilled gatorade on my shirt. I came upstairs for a fresh one and heard the shower running. I figured Daria would use the other shower so I just assumed you'd gotten out of your meeting early and were using the shower. I was going to ask to join you for some shower sex so I took off my clothes. When I saw it was Daria I freaked out and ran away. I swear that's all that happened."

With a raised eyebrow, Quinn said "And the dream that night?".

Shamefaced, Jim admitted "I had a sex dream. First, I dreamt that you caught Daria making a play for me and got the wrong idea. Then, I dreamt we were doing it and you suddenly turned into Daria".

Quinn said "So, that's why you freaked out?".

Jim nodded. "Yes. Quinn, I swear to Christ nothing's going on."

Quinn said "Jim, I know nothings going on. I've known Daria my whole life. She wouldn't try to steal my man even if her life depended on it. As for you, if I even suspected you'd ever betray me with my own sister, of all people, we never would've lasted. If I thought you were capable of something like that I never would've married you, and I certainly wouldn't have squeezed out three of your kids at once".

Nervous, Jim asked "Yet...you're angry!?".

Quinn explained "I'm not mad at you for walking in on my sister taking a shower. That was clearly an accident. I'm also not mad about the sex dreams because I know how the male mind works. Having sex dreams about a woman you saw naked is a totally normal reaction. I'm mad because you didn't tell me".

Sheepish, Jim explained his reasoning.

"I was afraid you'd get the wrong idea. Look, I admit I think your sister's physically attractive. She's got your genes after all."

"Nice save" Quinn interrupted.

Jim continued. "Look, I just didn't know how you'd react. I was afraid you'd get the wrong idea."

Quinn said "Jim, if you'd told me I would've had a laugh about it at your expense and that's all. I'm just hurt that you didn't tell me because it makes me feel like you don't trust me".

Jim said "Quinn, I trust you. I just didn't want to upset you. Look, if something like this happens again I'll just straight up tell you".

Quinn said "And I won't get crazy insecure over an honest mistake. I just don't want there to be any secrets between us".

Jim stood up. "Deal."

With that, they hugged.

After this, Quinn smiled and her voice took on a seductive tone.

"Now that that's settled, let's relieve some sexual tension."

She immediately untied her robe and let it drop to the floor. Quinn stood completely naked in front of her husband.

"Take me, Jim. Take me now."

They proceeded to have some very hot make up sex.

* * *

**Hells Kitchen, a few days later...**

Quinn's Cadillac pulled up in front of Daria's building. The fumigation was done and the place was cleaned. It was now safe for the tenants to move back in. Daria emerged from the passenger side while Quinn emerged from the driver side. Daria was carrying Godzilla in a pet caddy.

"Well, sis," said Quinn, "Home sweet home".

Daria said "Thanks for putting up with me this past week. Sorry it was so awkward".

Quinn said "Don't apologize. That shower incident could happen to anyone".

Quinn now looked sad.

"I'm actually gonna miss having you around."

Daria said "Quinn, I'm only a half hour drive away".

Quinn said "It's not the same as having you under the same roof. Remember when we shared an apartment with Jane on the lower east side?".

Daria said "Quinn, you were in college and I was starting grad school. It was the best arrangement for the time".

Quinn admitted "I still miss having you around. I just wish we'd gotten along this well when we both lived with Mom and Dad".

Daria admitted "I wish that too. Quinn, you're always gonna be my sister, no matter what".

"Thanks, Daria."

With that, the two sisters hugged. After the hug they looked toward the apartment building.

"Well," said Quinn, "Let's get you settled back in".

Suddenly, there was a rumbling sound. The whole building suddenly collapsed in on itself and fell into a pile of rubble. Covered in dust, the sisters stared in wide eyed, open mouthed shock.

"Well, I guess this means you're staying with us a little longer than planned" said Quinn.

Rolling her eyes, Daria said "Just great".

**The End.**

* * *

**Next Time**

Covid 19 comes to Glenville and Daria finds herself the lone voice of reason amid a sea of mass hysteria.


End file.
